how to crawl through pearl gates on your last breath

I was with my friend Jeremy in Japan.  We just got off work, walked home during a rainy evening.  We didn't say much, like spent zombies unable to mumble above the onslaught of gentle raindrops exploding all around, it was beauty speaking to two dead men.  When we got home, Jeremy spoke, saying that was boring, the fucking rain.  I said it was cool, we should have stopped at the 7&i (convenience store) and grabbed some bottles, no work tomorrow.  "No shit, you should have said something after we got off the train, fool...  Fuck it lets go back, we're already soaked anyway."  Again, silent zombies listening to the life erupting around us.  At the time, we both struggled, individually, but had an idea what the other was going through.  We were young and heartbroken, inexperienced and reckless.  We bought 4 bottles of Soju (liquor), countless Chu-Hi's (booze), cigarettes and some noms we couldn't read but whatever.  We walked again back home, drinking tins of Chu-Hi and taking shots out of the first bottle of Soju.  We became drunk and walked past our street.  We just kept walking and drinking, finally talking and laughing.  Our clothes were heavy, laden with water unable to dry.  The rain stopped, we tried to smoke a bit damp cigarette that burned our lungs, whatever.  There was nobody out, just dim lights in our town and the violent ocean thrusting against the shore of her.  We both had a her, a home that was lit dimly, we were both heavy in thought, laden with memories of sunshine and sober efforts.  We became angry, two oceans crashing into each other, we fought and screamed.  Lovingly and confused, ignorant and bewildered with good intention.  Then, suddenly adrenalized as we had to help each other jump a few gates from annoyed residents.  Finally we stopped, we whispered to each other, "You're right man, sorry", while thinking "I should really take my own advice, I'm a hypocrite"...  The Sun came back, only illuminating the clouded skies, the streets were still dark between tall, dense structure.  We walked home, lost and inebriated, mistaken and embarrassed.  Still ignorant, stumbling and cursing the damp ground who waited to embrace our lifeless bodies.  Yet still, we made it home together, no lesson learned, not humbled, but instead we felt invulnerable and indulgent.  She didn't matter anymore, the cold rain of her dried away, and the chilling wind of his her no longer gripped him. 

ignorance and Lies

I dreamed I was in a Halloween costume.  It was shaggy and dark, with an ivory goat head.  I was in a mall with two of my cousins, Tyler and Micah.  Micah got thirsty and went to the food court, then we saw security take him to the back.  Tyler said he tried to steal water and was caught, so we left like whatever, Micah is always doing something stupid.  Tyler asked if she could hold my hand because a bunch of guys are cat-calling her, I said okay just hang on my arm, and we walked down the length of the mall.  Suddenly, I see my dad and my brother.  They noticed Tyler, and my Dad was shocked when I took off my goat head, I was furious.  He was about to say hi and hug me (for show), but I cut him off and asked why he hasn't returned my sister or mine phone calls.  He was speechless and looked everywhere but at me, then angrily I said "I know you, despite the show you put on and the mistaken reputation you have, I know who you truly are, and who you truly are doesn't care what your own son thinks, you piece of shit."  He began to walk away, and I followed, taunting that he is walking away in ignorance again.  He suddenly turned and asked what I want... I said I want two things, for you to own up to the shit person you are and then to help my sister pay for her medical bills.  Again, he walked away.  Then, someone grabbed me, saying "We gotta go it's showtime."  It seemed I was supposed to participate in a haunted house.  So I went along, scaring folks by "bah-h-h-h"ing like a goat and rushing out a corner screaming.  One girl was overwhelmed and fainted, so I dragged her to a seat screaming "Help!", then she came to.  I made her stay seated a bit while I got her a glass of water, there was a barred window with receptionists in front of the kitchen.  I ran up and asked for a cup to give the fainted girl water.  She gave me a clipboard and said I have to sign for it.  I was like "It's just a cup I only need it for a minute."  She replied that it was for the water, not the cup.  I was confused, but I signed.  Before she handed me the glass of water she said she needs to take out a tax, and poured half of the glass out.  I was like WTF!? Whatever, I ran the glass over to the girl.  She still looked uneasy, so I took the glass and ran out the haunted house into the mall to get a full glass.  EZ PZ, no tax, but when I returned she was gone.  Instead, there was an old friend there.  His name is Sorrel, he was dressed very sharp and in the middle of dinner, an ivory bowl of ravioli.  I became curious, asking him what kind of ravioli it is, he said he's not sure, his girlfriend made it.  I asked if it was butternut squash, and I began opening my backpack.  He asked why hell do I want to know, and I pulled out my dinner, which was butternut squash ravioli in the same ivory bowl.  He looked at me like WTF!?  Tasting his, he said yeah it's butternut squash, and I told him the girl I'm seeing made this for me.  We began a serious question game, asking who are her friends and hobbies and such, both of us afraid to say her name in case it was true.  I was beginning to doubt if my relationship was fukn worthless, like I'm a side-guy and she's just "slumming it" because Sorrel looked like he could better take care of a girlfriend financially.  I felt that familiar sick, anxious feeling and told myself no, you are hardened by now against this kind of bullshit.  I told Sorrel I have to go back to the haunted house, putting on my goat head, I gave him my dinner and told him it's his burden if he wants to confront her, because I had suddenly become careless.  That's all I remember.

clever Girl

I dreamed I was in beach sand.  There were high walls, they were thick and looked concrete, there was no ceiling and the Sun was bright.  I was with a lot of other men, we had weapons.  Spears and funny looking swords.  The high walls cut a corridor through the sand, and ended in a rectangular room, with the same walls and no ceiling.  We ran into the room, and I saw we were attacking a giant lion, it was huge, an entire man could have been a good mouthful to it.  We relentlessly threw ourselves at it, we were making progress to its slaughter.  Although a giant, the lion seemed slow.  Someone yelled that the pit is open, and we made the lion to back up into a square hole large enough to swallow the lion at the end of the room.  Sand cascaded into the hole, making the angry lion slip in easily.  After it disappeared inside, we all heard and felt a loud boom, marking the lion had hit the bottom of the pit.  We gathered in celebration, peering into the hole, but what we saw quickly dissuaded our joy.  The giant lion was surrounded by other big cats, not giants, but normal sized lions, tigers and cougars.  They climbed onto the giant lion, and all sat on its head.  Then jaguars and leopards climbed into its mane, looking to leap across a tree.  Then, the giant lion jumped toward the opening of the pit, and at the climax of his slow ascent, all the cats on his head and mane were in leaping distance of the pit opening, and they did in unison.  All the cats clambered out and attacked the men.  Then again, we heard and felt a loud boom, marking the giants return to the pit depths.  I didn't feel scared, above the open pit was the lid lifted into the air, alongside the tall wall.  I used my spear to "pole-vault" up and was able to catch an edge with my hands, then clamber on top.  When I looked down at the fight, the men were being slaughtered, the sand turned to red mud.  I thought I was safe up here, but a tiger leaped up after me, enough to swipe at my legs and I fell toward the edge.  My face looked over it but my body was still away from the edge, I tried to stand up again, but the tiger again leaped quickly and she was able to catch my neck between a set of incisors, and drag me off my perch.  I woke up convulsing from a cramp in my neck, and I felt scared.

my new friend, the unangeled Angel.

I call him my friend, as modern dichotomy describes.  However, he is old.  Much older than I.  I met him in a place I would loathe, but had the open mind to say fuck it and go anyway.  The menu promoted death, and the kitchen reeked of death.  I am also not fond of sports, but I went.  There, I thought I was a sight.  The girls said I'm hot, the guys became intimidated.  I became  used to this, but one person unexpectedly, this outing, I was put in my place.  He was much older than I.  I always have the same angered demeanor in public like this, I like it when I enter a place and I am a presence.  I am respected without a word, and intimidating where darkness becomes lighted.  And still, today, this man made my eyes grow soft and teary, I was not afraid, but intimidated, yes.  I'm not used to anyone approaching me, a stranger would not do this.  He looked into me, said you have a kind face.  Then that I am strong, but only physically.  He said I am intimidating, but only to those who haven't been messed with.  He tried me, he asked everything guys ask other men, my answers were daft and short.  He said you can do better, and that turned my ear.  I've never been insulted by a stranger such.  He said my eyes are kind and tortured.  I became angry, he was showing me aggressive eyes, saying he boxed 17 years in his life, and now taught the sport.  He said we are men, and need to present a presence where we go, to be strong physically and emotionally.  I agreed, although I was pissed that by now he was trying to show me how to box, almost hitting my face, in an open bar.  I withheld my anger, and he said he recognized my agitation, just from how I looked at him, and then my understanding that he fell harmless.  I fought tears next, when he said I was the alpha when I walked into the building, and that his place was next to give me his lesson, saying he was so old.  When I looked at him again, with kind eyes, understanding, he teared up also.  For a moment.  A fukn stranger I shared this with, and what he showed me about boxing and being intimidating I will understand forever.  I don't linger on this, but I told my angel, that angry old boxer, that I understand and his knowledge is not wasted on my ears.  His name is Bert, this is a true story.

after Suddenly

I dreamed I was on a mission.  Like a secret agent or something.  I had a friend but I questioned his loyalty.  He was small and conniving.  We were on our way to a restaurant, he said his family is hidden in the building somewhere.  Behind the dining area, beyond the kitchen, the building transformed into twisting hallways with many open doors.  It looked third world, it was dirty and walls were constructed with crude bits of garbage.  He gives me two bullets, saying it's all we have to infiltrate with, no gun for them.  We found his family, they greeted him happily but wouldn't let me in.  He went to his old room, changed into his childhood clothes and looked at me in shame.  The building had guards following us and they wanted to kill me.  I was angry, I was his decoy, I ran at him and asked why?!  No response, he hung his head.  I put one bullet in my mouth and told him to put the other in his, he obeyed like a guilty dog.  I told him to stay hidden as I went after the leader of whoever sent men to kill us.  I was back in the kitchen, someone grabbed me and said I'm late, to get my uniform on and serve the guests.  I served the leader in disguise, he had a gun on the table.  It was a high class dinner meeting.  The leader was speaking that their army had no more ammunition.  I spoke up, mumbling that I have a bullet to spare, spitting it out and offering it to him.  He was appalled that it was in my mouth, refusing to touch it.  I told him I will load it for him so he doesn't handle my germs, he agreed, so I loaded the weapon and shot his heart hiding behind so many medals.  His army had no fight, they looked at each other confused and saddened.  I ran back to my friend and his family to tell him the news.  They were all gone, except my friend, he was laughing and boasting that he killed his family, I became so angry, then he said he was also a leader of an army, against the one whose leader I had just assassinated.  I asked for the bullet, he spit it in my hand, saying he had come back to kill his family because they worked for his enemy.  I loaded the weapon and shot his heart hiding behind the children's clothing he wore.  Then I was instantly at home, with my son.  Nothing worked, no electricity, but there was a deep whisper in my head speaking directly into me.  He said you stopped the world and everyone is gone now, except you two.  It was late and I was putting my son to sleep, we prayed until he fell asleep, and I kept praying alone.  I said I was scared, and the voice asked what I wanted.  My first thought was a wife.  My next thought was safety, then rebirth, then survival, and then he stopped me.  He said that I need to provide the safety for those two, and that he would provide everything else.  I felt like crying and then my alarm clock went off.  The rest of today has just been weird, have you ever had a dream that just straight funked you out? Yikes.

wine to Water

I first remember I was packing for a hiking trip.  I was asked to be a sort of "guide" for a girl.  I was inventorying our things, it became clear what her intentions were after trying to figure out what to carry.  I was testing her bag, seeing how much water she could carry, she insisted on carrying alcohol as well.  I tested her bag to see if she could carry a tent, she insisted I carry one tent for the both of us.  I wasn't interested, she agreed to carry her own with a mischievous grin.  I thought, "Oh fuck... what am I getting into, I'm not even showing any interest in her.  I don't wanna go now, shit."  I realized there was two other people there, two Chiefs I remember from the Navy.  They said they got some things from the armory for me, handed me a huge seabag full of junk.  I told them I can't carry all this, we're going on foot.  They were persistent, I was annoyed.  I told the Chiefs, I'm not in the Navy anymore and I will not carry all this.  I opened the bag and it was full of ordnance and other bags (???).  I grabbed a backpack and an over-the-shoulder pack, telling them I'll just use these.  They offered me one of the many rifles from the bag, saying at least take this in case.  I said no, I don't need those anymore, in case of what!?  I told the girl I know where we're going and what to expect, and I come prepared anyway.  I told her that I'm not going to drink or sleep with her, and if she still wants to go to carry her own tent.  I felt in control, where earlier I felt gullible and being taken advantage of, it felt good.  That's all I remember.

the volcanos' Clone

I dreamed I took a trip out of the country, I don't know where or for what reason.  I was in a hotel room, it was very tiny.  There was no restroom, and I decided to go and find it so I know where it is.  The hallways were tiny, they seemed to get smaller and smaller till I had to walk sideways through them.  I was dragging something against the walls, I look down and I was wearing a bulky gun belt with an M9 and spare magazines.  I thought "what the hell do I need this for?", went back to my room and left it there.  I found the restroom finally, it was next to a huge winding staircase.  I went up and it opened up into a courtroom, there was a judge sitting at the stand, he was eating breakfast.  I thought wow it's early, I should be getting ready.  I was about to walk back to my room when I saw a friend, he said the sun is gonna rise over this expired volcano, and that I should take some pictures.  We walked back to the courtroom, where there was a huge window.  My friend is Canadian, and has a thick French accent.  He jokingly screams "Are you ready for the glory?! Let's GO!!!".  The sun rose behind what looked like a clone of Shiprock rock, it was confusing.  I took some pictures and thought "no one's gonna believe I was out of the country when all the pictures I took look like home."  Then the judge asked us why we weren't armed, that today we were to fight.  That's all I remember.

the queen of Hearts (meditation)

I was thinking about a story.  I was making it up in my head.  My body felt tired, I was on my knees with my eyes closed.  The exercise I'm trying is to find your equilibrium, to let your body to rest while allowing your mind to fight itself between tired dream-states and keeping your body from falling over.  Since it's been on my mind in excess lately, I thought about love.  Nothing complicated, nothing negative, I just felt like believing in it right now.  I was in a field with a calm breeze, there was a lone tree I walked toward.  Cliché as fuck, I know, but I needed a started point, shit.  Under the tree was a blanket laid out, a basket with a bottle of wine, opener and two glasses, and also a note tucked under the bottle.  I thought no, nope, too corny, gonna start over.  Then, the wind whipped the note from under the bottle.  I instinctively moved to intercept it, catching it, I saw the handwriting was distressed.  It read that she was about to be buried alive, and wrote a fake love note to me because her captors planned to cover the site with her romantic gestures.  I pulled the blanket up,  the ground was disturbed and discolored, and there was a black spade left,  implying the dig.  I grabbed it and started digging.  The ground was still aerated, it hadn't settled.  It was easy to dig, I used my hands first then scooped with the tool, so I didn't accidently hurt her.  I kept going, quickly, my back and arms hurt, I felt that as I sat on my knees so still.  My head had fallen back and my breathing was shallow, but in my mind I am desperate and struggling.  Suddenly, the ground became hard.  I uncovered more area, but it stopped at that level, and sweeping the loose dirt off the harder undersurface revealed scratches in it.  I was confused, then felt her.  She didn't touch me, but I felt her looking at me, down at me.  I became aware she was in the tree, but I didn't look.  When the desperation subsided and I regained slower thought, I matched myself, my mind matched my body on my knees, my breath is shallow.  I was dreaming.  I grabbed the bottle opener out of the basket and used it to skewer a line of holes through the harder ground.  The scratches, I realized, were from those before who scratched at the ground and gave up.  I opened the wine, took a large sip and poured the rest into the holes, wetting the ground.  Then, I shoved the spade between the loosened, damp line, prying out a slab of rock.  Then, I heard her.  She asked "If I am the Queen of your heart, who are you?"  I showed her the tool and said that I'm the King of spades. She was next to my ear, her hand touching my lips, she playfully whispered "Shhhhut! Take me for another bottle of wine...."  I reached out to embrace her and lost my balance, waking as I caught myself in time from the floor.

the cinders of the Deceased

I dreamed about a couple events that happened in my life.  I was in a canyon, near a campsite overlooking Angel Peak and Castle Rock in NM. I wasn't alone the multiple times I been there, but in my dream I was alone.  I replayed what had really happened, hiking.  I found something shimmering on the ground, I unearthed it and it looked like a brass dog tag.  It had a number across it, and words underneath that said crematorium tag.  Then, I noticed the white ashes covering my hands.  I dropped it all, pulled out my canteen to wash it off, saying in my head, "I'm sorry soul, I'm here for the same reason you are, to enjoy this pretty place.  Rest easy."  I continued into the canyon, on the way down I stepped on a rattlesnake.  That actually happened there, it did not strike, (so thankful it didn't, fuck'n hallelujah!)  However, in the dream my partner wasn't there to push me clear of it.  Instead, someone said "Look!"  I looked and there was no one, but she said I had stepped on a rattlesnake and that it didn't want to bite me because she stepped on it after me.  She said thanks for admiring the peak with her, and that I have bad spirits following me.  They are jealousy, anger, spite and heartache.  But, she also said she thinks I am still good and will overcome it.  She asked me a favor.  She asked if I remember the other time I was here, hiking into Castle Rock, where I found a miniature cave with graffiti carved into the rock, and inside the cave I found a coffee can that was painted gray in thick acrylic paint.  I had left it alone at the time, this really happened, and in my dream I told her yes, I remember.  She said she got to know him, and he wants to see the land about him, not from the tiny cave inside a coffee can.  I said alright, I'll head over that way and dump the ashes where she tells me to.  She told me thanks so much, and said as a gift from us both we'll make sure you never get struck by a rattlesnake.  That's all I remember.

the swine Suare

I dreamed I was with my family.  It wasn't happy, however, but saddening they were all drunk.  We were at a catered event, somewhere in a canyon at night.  The festive lighting illuminated the red rock walls.  There was a lot of food, it smelled fried and barbequed, it made me sick.  Everyone started to leave, saying I should meet them all at the casino.  I became interested, because there is a girl I admire who works there.  I was driving towards a town, it was bright there with city lights, then another source of light rose from within it.  It was a giant, it looked like it spewed glowing, molten matter from its mouth and hands.  Strangely, it wasn't scary.  I got a call from my grandma, she said she needed help cleaning her yard.  I changed my mind about the casino and drove to her house.  It was still night, but the moon lit the ground in purple glow.  She has a woodpile there, and the firewood was strewn across the yard.  I started replacing them, and I kept finding random toys half buried in the dirt, so I also made a toy pile.  Grandma said there's more wood in her truck, so I started offloading it as well.  While picking through the bed full of scrap lumber and stuff, I pulled out a heaping wad of undercooked, greasy, leathery strips of bacon.  I pulled a piece out and it was as tall as me.  Like, a fucking 6 foot long strip of bacon, wtf!?  I tossed it aside, thinking that must have come off a huge fucking pig, gross... poor thing.  My grandma came outside and said my mom called, asking if I could pick some things up on my way back.  She gave me a list and it was a very long list of booze for the family.  I became annoyed about it, I walked to her old red shed and unlocked it.  Then, in my dream, I became self aware and thought, "I just destroyed this shed with a crowbar a few months ago."  I became curious and went inside.  (This was the first time I became aware I was dreaming, and made choices on what to do, it was incredible.)  Inside the shed, it was my bedroom.  I went to my bed and found a spider web underneath.  In it lay a black widow, but I didn't kill it.  I just laid on my bed, trusting it wouldn't kill me.  That's all I remember

the Artist

I dreamed I was on a trip, in a bus.  There were lots of people I knew from grade school.  A girl sat next to me, I was staring out the window when she took my arm and held it up, admiring  my tattoos.  She was definitely hitting on me, getting very close.  I wasn't interested though, and steered the conversation away from anything flirty and we talked about art and tattoos.  The bus driver announced that we had too many people, and asked for any volunteers to stay behind.  I didn't know where we were, but I volunteered.  The girl held onto my arm and she became deeply saddened I had chose to leave, I said goodbye nice talk and left.  I checked into a hotel, it was a house actually.  I was thinking I'm gonna have to get rid of some of my things to walk home in the morning.  I walked about the house, asking if any of the other occupants wanted my art supplies.  I found a little girl who said she wanted to draw, so I gave her all my things, thinking I'll buy more when I get home.  I found that all the rooms in the house did not have doors, and there was a gym.  I decided to workout because I couldn't sleep.  In the gym, instead of a whole wall covered in mirrors, there was a one way window.  A group of guys were staring out the window, where the little girl was drawing a huge mural of snakes laying around and on top of an old abandoned truck.  It looked impressive, I watched for awhile and thought I'll just fly home instead of walk.  That's all I remember.

the spider Room

I dreamed I went to school, high school.  That building I loathed... not for architecture but for peer rejection.  That shit sucked for me, but I had me friends, like 90% in band class.  We stalked the entire high school, just being allowed access after hours accrued us this, besides the sheer amount of stupid going on.  It was Friday, some friends and I hid in the school overnight.  It was eerie, but we raided vending machines and found comfort in our echoed screams inside the basketball court.  I was always so modest, they started drinking, I said no.  I walked home, the path was long but I knew it well in waking, it passed instantly.  I went to pee, then when I came back to my room there was a girl there.  She wore a uniform, it looked heavy and wool, grey and with regalia matching the SS.  She looked straight out of a holocaust movie, but without Nazi symbols.  She looked Asian, stern and without make-up.  I said "Hi!", she inspected my room meticulously, saying before she left that I should run away.  I said perhaps, but she smiled and raised her brow at me as she left, suddenly she was attractive.  Next, a girl I knew walked in, inspected my space.  She was a coworker, jokes were endless between us, but she was afraid to look at me.  She said I gotta leave ASAP.  She wore the same uniform as the girl earlier, who liked me.  I was confused, but I agreed.  I blacked out, and when morning came, I was still in my dream, I'd guess 20 seconds since my last remembrance.  The Sun stroked every corner of the walls here, yet my room was empty.  Only my bed, then I saw glint, sparkles, recognition of silver spiders webs, natural geometry gracing the legs and walls near my bed, a bit disgusting.  I sat up in my bed, seeing my socks and shoes plastered to the ground in thick silver webbing.  I pulled it up, for some reason thinking to bite a thick strand, and immediately spitting out a wad of spiders webs from my mouth.  I pulled the strands out my mouth meticulously, yet when I looked about, the room was institutionally empty.  That's all I remember.

the matchMaker

I dreamed about my son.  It is his birthday tomorrow, I guess I was stressed with planning our time together.  I was making his favorite supper, I had his gifts and a small cake for him.  This year it's Godzilla themed.  Just us two, complications, but I'm here.  I dreamed he was an adult though, and I was still planning like he was so little.  He was smart in my dream, and saw through me.  He asked what was wrong, I said I'm sorry, you're just growing too fast.  He said no, not that, you're sad.  His words rending my heart loose, my superiority turned to admiration for him, to confinement.  I admitted to him, I am lonely and my heart is broken.  He said he knows, he's watched it happen.  He watched me suffer and long, he said he saw me hurting but he didn't understand before, but now he does.  He said he loves me, and he sees what I've done for him, but I'm too concerned about how others I loved hurt so much.  I said you're right, son, I felt wet hotness press from my eyes and drip off my cheeks.  You're so pure, so innocent, I want your soul to acknowledge my partner before mine, not to be forced to accept it.  I know you won't stop loving me, I know you won't leave me, I know how beautiful and important you are, my son.  I told him when you fail, when the roses thorn rends your heart, I won't let you alone, I'll embrace you and listen to you.  Inside, I told myself fuck my dad, he won't experience this love.  I had waken long before, now I was praying, not asking but listening.

insignificance

I dreamed I was on a ship.  I was alone, the passageways were empty, the offices and spaces and berthings, all empty.  The lights were on inside, humming with electricity it was so silent.  I checked outside, it was night.  Only dim red lights lit the walls out there, the stars and moon were brilliant over calm waters.  I went back inside, I felt extremely lonely.  I just wanted to see anyone or anything, it was really creepy.  I saw one of those old diving suits, the helmet and torso was a brass bulb with scuttle windows.  The legs and boots were iron.  I named him Bob, and asked where everyone went.  No answer, of course, so I put on Bob.  He was heavy, I wanted to walk around and amuse myself.  It was difficult at first, then much easier.  So much so, I thought maybe I can climb down into the engine room below through an escape hatch, which was a laddered 3'x3' drop about 3 levels.  I opened the hatch on the floor , clambered in and fell.  I didn't land on the floor, I broke through it, then another and another until I was sinking underneath the ship.  I was sore all over, the moon lit the ocean floor up, it looked like a desert with small corals polka dotted across it.  The ships belly was dark, casting a shadow over me.  I just stood there, I was scared.  I saw no life in the ocean, I just wanted to stand there a bit, thinking when I need to surface I gotta abandon Bob on the seafloor.  Suddenly, I saw a huge something coming, huge and dark in the distance.  It looked like a jumbo jet at first, flying straight at me, then I recognized as it came closer it was a whale.  I was a little intimidated, but I wanted to touch it if it swam close enough by me.  Maybe she was lonely too, and I felt like showing her she's not alone.  I took weightless steps to intercept it, holding a hand out to stroke her.  When she got right next to me, I completely freaked out, it wasn't a whale, but a massive shark.  Her white mouth hung open with teeth seeming to splinter out in every direction, her black soulless eye looked everywhere and nowhere at the same time.  She was, like I said, the size of a jumbo jet, yet silent as she passed over me.  I cowered, I fell to the seafloor, yet she passed gently by.  I laid staring up at the ship, I felt the weight of so much water pressing against me, I even felt the ships weight seemingly on top of tons of water.  I felt so small, so vulnerable yet calm at the same time.  That's all I remember.

i don't fukn Know

(WARNING: Blood and regurgitation)
I dreamed I was visiting family.  It was evening, we were all in a kitchen while food was being prepared, all drinking.  I felt drunk, I felt happy to be with everyone there again.  Suddenly, it felt like I had hair stuck in my mouth.  I tried to spit it out but it seemed to get worse.  I felt it in between my teeth and binding my tongue, reaching back toward my throat, making me want to gag.  I went to the kitchen sink and started pulling it out, it went from annoying to WTF!?!  As I pulled clumps of hair out, I discovered what felt like plastic strips binding my tongue and creeping between my teeth.  It hurt, I pulled out strips of what looked like twist ties, pulling from between my teeth made my gums bleed some.  It seemed I was getting it all out, but the last two strands were leading down my throat.  I gave it a tug and almost threw up, so I pulled it slowly yet I had to use some muscle to get it moving.  It was attached to a rope, which when I got dislodged, was a knotted and doubled over length of rope, no idea how long, hanging out my mouth.  I could only breathe through my nose, I was desperately trying to unknot it and find an end to work with.  I was able to tug on one strand, and it felt like the end of the rope was slipping out my throat.  When I pulled it out, the end was knotted around a jump rope handle.  I pulled from that end only, sorting out the rope and knots along the way.  Then, I found a strand to the other end of the rope, and pulled.  This gets weird, I pulled and I felt movement on the other end, it hurt my throat down to my belly.  In a panic, I just ripped the end out, and I'd guess a "medium sized" fucking live alligator spilled out my mouth.  I was appalled, the rope was stained in blood, the end I pulled leading into the alligators mouth.  It kept away, hissing in the corner of the room.  I pulled on both ends of the rope, more and more length came out and I was desperately hoping it would all be over and out.  It didn't, it stopped and it felt like the middle of the entire rope was tied around wherever the tongue begins in my throat.  I pulled slowly, I tugged sharply, I moved my neck in awkward ways, my gums still bled all the while.  Finally, I turned to my mom and muttered "I need help, I need to get to a hospital".  She started looking through a phonebook for where to go, I cut the ropes near my mouth with a steak knife.  She pointed in the phonebook, saying if this was where I wanted to go.  I took the book and took out my cell to dial the number.  I didn't do it, I felt the rope sliding up my throat, the tight knot sliding off felt familiar (and inappropriate to detail)... but sore and wet, yet satisfying.  I led the rope out, and as soon as the knot popped off my tongue...  It was terrible.  So much blood and food spilled out, I didn't vomit, it just spilled out.  I held my head over the sink as my family held me, even praising me for it.  My mom said "Okay, we understand now", and I remember someone saying something about the alligator and what I ate.  I felt my guts empty and when I looked it was all indistinguishable flesh, splinters of bone and so much blood.  It was so fucking disgusting, I felt myself wanting to vomit for real and I woke up.  That's all I remember.

my body is not a grave, Meditation

I thought about who I want to become.  My heart is pulsing, I can hear my blood rushing through my ears, and it feels amazing.  I'm not small, I'm huge.  I'm strong, I'm intimidating.  I know when I walk into a room, people notice, because I have presence.  People cower at me if they're laden with guilt, I know this.  No one fucks with me.  No one can hurt me, malice and treachery strike out at me like bullets, but roll gently off my back like water.  I don't not care, instead I save my energy for love, my best activation.  My arms aren't huge to strike, but to embrace.  If I had an enemy I would hold them close, I would whisper "You know I love you anyway", and my embrace would crush them.  But then, I have no enemies.  I am silent, but when I speak I know everyone listens, because I have gentle, loving things to say.  If I had enemies, my shout alone would cease their hearts.  I'm a giant, yet gentle because my heart is so fucking big.  It throbs and pulses passionately.  I won't harm anyone or anything that hates me, because they'll expire while throwing themselves at me.  No more blood, no more flesh or bones, pain or misery.  I will not eat animals, their corpses being laid to rest in my belly.  People respect me, people are intimidated of me, and I achieved this without hate or anger, without suffering or fear.  I am the great lover, because that love makes me so strong.  No one will dare declare me their enemy, their hate will be realized as loathing for themselves.  No one will ever fuck with me, they'll exhaust themselves ineffectively against my back.  No one will say the things they say about me, to me, because they're afraid of being wrong, they're afraid of hurting me.  No one will hurt me, because I love them. 

zenith and nadir, Meditation

I finally stopped, I was so motivated and healthy, I closed my eyes and thought about what made me feel this way.  My quads and biceps throbbed, the energy she gave me was evident.  I thought of her, she playfully called me Mr. Mister, then walked away, even in thought she beckoned my follow.  I don't even know what she looks like, but I understand her essence and importance before we are connected.  I fell asleep leaning against my bed, my head to the heavens.  She teases, asking if I can feel her now.  I felt warmth, light, energy, I felt a spire of spirit penetrating my mind, emerging and tapering out of my forehead.  It tingled as it widened and heightened, stabbing at the zenith point that occupies my soul.  I felt doubt suddenly, I doubted I will find her, I doubted I would be strong enough when the time comes.  I felt nadir, it was gravity like my veins ran with molten lead.  I felt my hands fall from my lap to the floor and I almost woke up, I just breathed with my eyes closed until she came back and the doubt went away.  She was above me, the spire of light that went through me went through her forehead as she looked up to me.  She was standing on the ceiling, where gravity and doubt did not exist.  She reached a hand up, out to me, saying "Mr. Mister, you're my zenith.  I came from all the doubt along this path of light, and found you are its climax.  I can almost touch you now.  No more doubt, no more gravity, no more nadir, we're almost there.  I love you already, I'm finding you."  I reached up to her and touched her hand, then pulled, lifting her down to me with a smile.  She was heavy as we held each other, our arms fatiguing as unseen forces tried to pull us apart.  She whispered that we're almost here.  I woke when the FUCKIN' NEIGHBOR SLAMMED HIS DOOR, UUUUGGGH!!!!

my ghost of Anima and Animus

I dreamed I was back in the Navy. I was on the messdeck, fixin' to eat a plethora of fruit from the salad bar, it was breakfast.  A chief, I remember him, came up to me and said that I can't just eat fruit, that I needed to eat the crap they serve in the galley.  I assured him I'm fine, he said that the chain of command is concerned about my health.  He went away, then a familiar face appeared sitting next to me.  I remember her, such a "tomboy", risky and reckless.  Her name was Kim to me, she was a ghost, and talking to her made me realize I looked fuckin' crazy.  She was mischievous, but even as a ghost, my superior.  Kim said I need to go to the forecastle and retrieve a length of mooring line, (nautical terms, sorry, but just a place in a ship and a rope thicker than your arms).  She said I should go this way, leading me into the area in the ship restricted to officers... nay, admirals.  It was glorious.  There was a window so large and captivating, with a brilliantly gilded gold sunset over dark purple waters, it looked as if we were sailing into heaven.  I was enthralled, yet her ghost beckoned to the forecastle, I have a task at hand.  I went, and I was caught.  An admiral, twice as tall as I, belittling without a word and stern when I made eye contact, asking "what the fuck are you doing!?"  Kim whispered in my ear, and I saluted him and replied "Sir! I'm here to fix the... (duhhhhh)"  He cut me off and said "Right, on your way."  I went to the forecastle and grabbed a mooring line, it was still soaked in salt water and heavy.  Suddenly, her ghost left after biting my elbow, that's how tall she was to me. WTF!? Next, I had a different ghost.  He, not in a gay way, was someone I thought was a beautiful man, and I had deep admiration for him, I called him Tony.  He said we gotta go, we're on liberty and I gotta sneak out before the admiral catches me again.  I squeezed all the water out the line, which when rolled up was like a tire, and left the ship with it rolled around my shoulder.  Outside, I found we were ported on shore already, gold light filled the air and Tony was waiting for me in a purple convertible.  He said put the mooring line in the trunk, and we were off.  The salty, cool, humid air was so good in that car.  We went to a grocery store, there was a girl there that I like.  We paid her for our bottles of wine, then back to the car.  There, Tony said "Yo! I seen you looking at that cashier, man."  I replied, "Uuuuhh... really?" Then, the cashier jumped in the back along with other girls, and as we drove off she passed me a note.  I was so nervous trying to write my phone number on it, that which the note asked for.  I wrote a familiar number, then another, and another, and more, scribbling them out as I realized they weren't mine, but people I was involved with in the past. Then, Tony took my hand as I nearly scribbled a hole through the paper, yelling "Dude! Just let go!" That's all I remember.

the road to the Moon

I first remember I was packing my bags for a trip.  I was going on a road trip, everyone was angry with me and I am stressed.  I wanted to run away from it all, and a drive somewhere seemed like a good idea.  I felt saddened, I was going alone and I felt upset leaving people behind because I didn't trust what they would do while I was gone, but I had to let it go.  I became angry.  I confronted those people, their angry eyes and spiteful words.  I said I'm going to find myself, and when I get back you will either be gone or prepared to accept me fully when I become who I need to become.  There was a girl, there was some family, and there were some shitty friends.  They fell apart, they cried and pleaded I don't go, they became desperate and choked on tears.  I said no, not this time.  I won't be prone to sympathy.  Everything was wrong and I cried as I put my things into the car.  Then again, I was angry, they stood helpless outside on the sidewalk.  I told them I gave all, and they took more than their share, more than I was able.  They became drunk cannibals, poisoning their full bellies with my blood.  I was their source of sustenance, of protection, of safety.  We became attached to each other spiritually, now their souls devour mine because I ran out of love to give.  Sometimes I hate them, I want those pieces of me back, but today I gave them the last drop of me.  I was meditating and fell asleep.  I dreamed I replenished my veins with silver.  Those bad people wanted it, but they fell at my feet, weak and powerless without my help.  I said I'm not a fucking punk, I'm not a victim, I'm not your defender anymore.  I drove, it was night, the highway was dark and empty and I gnashed my teeth, I felt power and energy finally.  The road ahead peeled off the ground, unraveled and stretched into the dark skies.  I text an old friend.  It felt like I was keeping an injury fresh, a wound open, my cellphone had been stuck in my heart but I threw it out the window.

my daughter who ate the Sun

I dreamed that the world was all fiery and the sky was red.  I was old.  I was... fucking old, grandpa status.  It was calm outside, I had a knock at my door.  It was someone I knew a long time ago, my ex.  She had a baby, said it was mine and I had to take it.  I did without hesitation, she was my daughter, I was shocked yet instantly in love with her.  She had a name but I don't remember it when I woke, just that it started with an "M".  She grew fast, I closed the door and she was a teen.  I fixed her some food and she was a woman.  I talked to her and she said she was not real... it got weird.  She showed me her hair, where she had an electrical cord connected to the back of her head.  She could only live if she was plugged into a wall outlet.  Suddenly, the red world was full of war.  I was old and frail, but my daughter protected me, she was fierce.  She used my firearms when I couldn't anymore, saying that I had made her smart.  However, she couldn't go farther than her extension cord.  She said she can help the world if she wasn't so limited.  I had an idea, which didn't make sense at all but worked.  I made a bomb.  An atomic bomb, but it was small like a Ping-Pong ball.  I remember it, I made a shell of tungsten around an explosive that would send a plug of uranium into a plutonium core.  It was a miniature atom bomb from WW2.  I primed the bomb, then told my daughter to quickly eat it.  She did, using water to help swallow it, looking like a snake swallowing an egg.  After it was down, she hugged me.  She had long dark brown hair, she was so pretty like her mother, and I watched my arms hugging her disintegrate.  I was dead, yet watched over her like a ghost.  I saw her eyes were like fire and she looked up to me angrily, said she will burn me up so no one will hurt me.  She said it tastes like she ate a slice of the Sun, and that the explosion in her stomach made her strong.  She ripped the electrical cord from the back of her head, saying she doesn't need it anymore.  That's all I remember.

the gentile Runner

I dreamed I joined a club or commune or something, not sure what it was.  I had an advisor, he was to make sure I was doing everything correct that the organization required.  One of those things was that we basically could own nothing.  I gave up my clothes and they gave me red robes to match everyone else.  There was a pocket on it, I hid my cellphone in it.  I also snuck dog tags I was issued in the Navy, which had my denomination (PENT) and a small silver cross.  My advisor caught it, said I should get rid of them.  I said okay, but didn't.  The members were all called together outside, there was a football field with a running track around it.  We lined up and had to run, it was like a qualification, we had to run a mile under our time designated by age to qualify.  It was bizarre, the proctors told us how to run properly, and that was to lean forward so much that you have to use your hands on the ground to keep from falling over.  It didn't make sense, and all the other members looked just as confused as me.  We started the run, there were so many people in red robes clogging the track.  The proctors kept screaming that everyone is doing it wrong, and people kept giving up.  Soon the whole track was cluttered with folks in red robes sitting or laying down.  I kept running, trying not to step on anyone.  Suddenly, it became really hard to run, it felt like I was running in a pool of water up to my neck, or what I imagine running on the moon would feel like.  My feet kept slipping from under me, I wanted to fall forward.  I leaned forward while I ran, stepping on peoples' robes, leaping over them.  It was starting to feel like I was running up a hill, yet the track remained horizontal.  I had to use my hands to keep myself upright, I was like a gorilla on my knuckles.  The proctors told me to stop, asking how I figured it out.  It was hot in the robes, I took it off and they saw my dog tags and my phone that fell out the pocket.  They told me to leave after seeing, and my advisor told me while he walked me out that they were afraid of me that I actually did the stupid run, and that they only used my unauthorized items as an excuse to kick me out.  That's all I remember.

hamburger and hot Dog

I first remember walking in a full parking lot with a friend.  I haven't seen her in a long time, when someone approached us and asked if she wanted to go to a party.  We were having a good conversation, then she decided to go, I wasn't invited, I felt left out and jealous a little.  I was looking for my car, then two guys I knew came up, asking if I wanted to hang out with them and that they saw how I was rejected.  I said alright, and the apartment was just at the end of the parking lot.  There, they played video games for what felt like 5 minutes then my friend freaked out and said we have to go pick up his dog.  I said alright, I have a car we can go no problem, so we went back outside to find where I parked.  Their neighbors were actually the guys who asked the girl I was with to the party, and they were all outside chatting and drinking.  Fuck! I walked faster and I felt bitter being reminded.  We found my car and were on the road, found the dog.  However, it wasn't a dog, it was a cow (ehh...).  It was stuck on the side of the road in a ditch.  We tied a ratchet strap to it and used the car to pull him out.  Just a tug and he popped out and floated really stiff-like past the car (it was weird) .  When it reached the end of the strap, it just bounced and floated back and forth.  I had to time the car right to lead him because each time he bounced he came back faster and faster, violently pulling my car.  I did it, and we lead him carefully down the road until he ran out of inertia and stopped.  My friend said it is now safe to get him.  We got out and the cow was a dog.  A brown wiener dog who playfully ran away from his owner, dragging 30 feet of heavy ratchet strapping behind, all three of us chasing him down the highway.  That's all I remember.

no more Tigers

I dreamed I was building a wooden ship.  It was huge, and the bow didn't point out over the ocean, it pointed straight up into the sky (???).  I didn't know what I was doing I guess.  People watching wanted to get in and see but I kept everything out.  In the center of the main deck was a vault, inside it was a refrigerated store room for seeds and vials of different animal blood.  I was sealing the entire outside surface with wood sealer then I let a select few people onboard.  I guess I was going into space in a wooden ship because one of the people I selected yelled at the people being left behind.  She said only people who don't eat flesh can go because they won't fuck up the planet.  I felt uneasy about that comment, I felt it true but unnecessary to taunt others about it.  Everyone I selected on the ship stared at her like "WTF lady?!?..."  She quietly left, as if shamed off the ship by our silent stares.  It was weird.  I went into the vault and there was a command console, it was holographic and high-tech looking, yet set into a crude wooden workbench.  A boy was watching me work, asking where we are going.  The screen looked like a constellation app on a smartphone, and Mercury was highlighted.  I just pointed there, and he noticed my forearm tattoo of a tiger.  He said tigers are scary, and I told him it's okay, I didn't pack any tiger or bear or alligator blood.  That's all I remember.

???

I dreamed I was riding a bicycle through the park on my way over to a local brewery.  I have a friend who works there and she said she brewed a new beer and supposedly it's amazing.  I was wearing a banana suit (???) and a sleeveless black tee with "vegan gains" printed on it.  Yup.

clay's Dream #2

My son told me about his dream.  He said he was walking down a dirt road and came to a fork in it.  There was a wolf there, but he said it wasn't scary.  It told him not to go down this way, to keep going on the other road.  Clay said he didn't listen, and went down the bad road.  The wolf followed, telling him there are monsters and zombies on this road, to go back.  Clay didn't listen, he kept going because he thought the wolf was lying.  Then the road was filled with monsters and zombies, and Clay said it was really scary.  Suddenly, the wolf bit him, and Clay said his hands and arms turned hairy and he felt he had fangs.  Clay turned into a werewolf, and he wasn't scared anymore of the monsters.  He walked through the bad path to the end.  There, he said a giant vampire's face appeared over the end of the road.  It opened its mouth and its tongue fell out, turning into a red set of stairs leading down its throat.  Clay said he wasn't scared because he was walking to Red Lobster where family and I was waiting for him, so he walked into the vampire's mouth.  He said when he came out on the other side, his werewolf had eaten the vampire and he was a boy again at the dinner table.  I was blown away listening to his story.

stoopid fukn Cat!

I dreamed I was in a room, it looked like a public banquet area in like a hotel or a college.  The carpeting was commercial and the wall at the entrance was a false, pull out blind with a hole for a door.  There was a line of portable tables covered with cheap white linen, and an indoor grill at one end.  It was a gathering of people I didn't know, and I was dressed to impress.  I was trying to make a good impression.  There was a man tending the grill, he asked I get salmon out and ready to grill. I obliged, seasoning and honey dressing the filets. I gave them to him, counting the people and the filets so everyone got one.  I didn't intend to eat any, but he insisted.  I didn't want to offend, so I made myself one.  Then,  I helped serve everyone, looking for a chance to get rid of my piece.  My chance came, I found a cat behind a big red sofa in the corner of the room.  I said I'll take a break real quick before I join the table over there, and I reached my salmon filet in aluminum foil over and behind the couch.  I felt the cat nibbling, then the whole weight of the fish slide off the foil.  I started to walk toward my seat at the table when the cat trotted out meowing at me, licking his lips and rubbing at my ankles.  It suddenly attracted everyone at the tables' attention.  The cat scratched up my pant legs to my knees, I acted like I had no idea what was going on.  I picked it up to carry it out, but it bit and scratched at my hands, clinging to me when I threw him off like I grabbed a wad of fish hooks.  I was embarrassed, I didn't want to reveal I had given it my fish, and now it wanted more.  It scrambled up my arms onto my neck, latching on with razor pain across me.  I looked at my hands and the scratches were everywhere, and terrible.  My flesh appeared from within each small gash, and I knew I would need stitches they were so bad.  I didn't want to hurt the cat though, everyone was looking.  I didn't know what to do except stand very still and awkward so it didn't move and tear my neck and back up.  That's all I remember.

me Eyeballs

I dreamed that I was getting ready for work, and when I put on my glasses my vision was really bad.  I looked at my eyes closely in the mirror, thinking I had gotten something in it, it was that bad.  My eyes were a different color, instead of dark brown they were indigo outside and gold touching the pupil.  I thought "oh shit... I'm going blind", and went to the optometrist.  There, the optometrist checked me out and worked on getting me a new prescription.  When he did, he said somehow my vision improved, and my glasses were of course too strong, making it hard to see.  He wanted to know how I did it, I said I have no clue.  I asked what was up with the eye color, he said he will have another look and started examining again with the lighted microscope thingamajiggy, then I woke up.

my best Friend

I first remember being in a courtroom.  There was the judge and there was me, that's it.  The judges stand was high, so high I couldn't actually see him but his voice echoed in the empty hall well.  He said my name, and I heard paper rustling up there.  He said this is a sentencing, and that usually he hangs people like me.  I felt sick.  Then, he said "Well it won't do to hang ya, considering you're already dead, but I can still sentence you to hell, hell, hell"  and I heard the wooden hammer clap.  Then, someone came into the courtroom.  I was being held by guards that seemed to come out of nowhere and could only stare at the floor.  The person who came in told the judge to wait, that he knew me and I was his friend and that my sentence was wrong.  The judge asked if he was sure, and the man grabbed my hair to force me to look up at him.  He looked at me and said "Yep, that's him alright, I know him, he's my friend."  That's all I remember.

the Wind

I dreamed I was on a ship, it was old and wooden.  It had just landed on a city coast.  The city was built on the side of a hill receding into the ocean.  I got off the boat with my cousin, Leon, and all the people were running and hiding in fear, not from us.  There was something else attacking them, so we quickly ran to find somewhere to hide.  The attackers came in waves, and a siren sounded with each wave.  The sun was setting, and the streets were dark in between the tall buildings.  It was tiring, most of the streets were steep inclines.  In the frenzy, I lost Leon, but I found a random guy who was motioning for me to hide in his house.  I said ok but I have to find my friend.  I retraced my steps and found a group of people inside an open man-hole, in the sewer.  They asked if I could cover the hole for them.  I looked in and saw Leon, I helped him out so we could go together to the random guys' house.  I replaced the cover and found the streets were empty and eerily silent.  We hauled ass to the house, and the guy let us in.  It was a nice house, and we helped the few people inside lock and cover all the windows, doors and turned all the lights out.  There were two men and a bunch of kids, we all went downstairs into a kitchen area, they said it's the safest area.  The men were cooking pasta, and started to argue in another language about what kind of cheese to use.  I tried to get them to calm down in case whatever we were hiding from heard, then I heard an elevator bell.  The men got scared because they forgot about the elevator, so we hid.  Whatever it was that got in moved so fast I couldn't see it and stirred up a wind moving so fast, it quickly unlocked all the doors and windows and let more in.  There was a huge window that looked 20 feet tall, with a long red curtain over it.  The giant curtain swayed in the wind covering half the room, so I got behind it and hid inside somehow, not sure how.  I got lost inside, there was cool wind and red everywhere.  That's all I remember.

disasters

I dreamed I was back in the Navy, on a ship.  The alarms were going off, and suddenly all the lights shut off.  Everyone was leaving in a hurry, it was sinking.  The emergency lanterns were positioned in awkward ways, making it hard to see what's in the way.  There was so much equipment and obstacles, unforgiving metal everywhere that hurt my shins and elbows as I clambered through almost blindly.  I got out, and next I was on shore.  Someone came to pick me up in a white car, I recognized her.  We drove together to Shiprock, the town I grew up in.  It was overcast and very windy out.  Suddenly, a huge tornado appeared in the open desert near the highway.  It stretched miles at its base, and lifted the ground up, boring through like a giant drill bit.  We were kind of scared, I took over driving, and the tornado threw debris at us but I was able to dodge whole houses and vehicles and trees that fell on our path.  She put her head on my shoulder and we drove to a shelter with lots of people waiting out the tornado.  In the parking lot, the vehicles all looked strange and elaborately decorated, like there was supposed to be a parade that day.  There were cars bigger than trucks there, decorated with gold and jewels and candy paint jobs.  When I parked, I used the key to set the alarm, and the white car, which was now a corvette, transformed into a white bar.  Like, a 2 foot long chunk of metal that was really heavy.  I carried it on my shoulder.  Inside the shelter, there were people all over camped out across what looked like a basketball court.  There was also a really fat man that had somehow gotten stuck on a brick wall, which we laughed at.  I asked how he got there, he said the tornado lifted and hurled his ass into the side of a building.  So, they cut the wall out and delivered it here because they couldn't pull him out.  (???)  We found an empty garage that was more private, the air outside pounded on the steel garage door loudly.  I was getting comfortable when my companion up and left the shelter.  That's all I remember.

me runnin' Chooz

I dreamed I was in a theatre, watching a sad movie.  It wasn't crowded, but I sat right next to a stranger even though there was plenty room.  We left and outside I realized we were in a concentration camp.  The gates were high and guarded, the ground was dark and damp.  I was put to work making bombs, pressing charges into shells.  Someone there said we were going to try and sneak out to get food, so I changed my shoes from sandals to running shoes.  Suddenly, the guards called for an inspection, so we all lined up in the mud.  I was scared, I wasn't wearing my sandals and they would find it suspicious, and I noticed the others who meant to sneak out also had running shoes on.  A woman was inspecting us, and she pulled aside all she found with running shoes on.  She told the rest to continue working and that she will execute all of us with running shoes.  We all knelt, I was first in line, and next was a girl who was crying, she told me she knew it would be okay but she was scared anyway.  I was thinking of something comforting to say when the inspector, now executioner, trained a pistol at me and told me to look up at her.  When I did, she winked, then I heard a boom.  It wasn't her pistol, but a bomb had fallen near.  The executioner turned her weapon on her guards, screaming "Run!! Run! Run!" while she unloaded at them.  We escaped, I felt shaken, we kept running past bombs and dead folks.  We suddenly arrived at an airport, where people waited to aid us.  The girl who was next in line to be executed addressed the crowd, saying we only escaped because of the traitor and the fact that we had put running shoes on, enabling us to quickly evade the bombing.  They flew us back to the U.S., where my grandma was waiting to pick me up in the Albuquerque airport.  She took me to my dads house.  After all that went on, he wasn't excited or interested in my crisis, just talked to me about himself.  I made up my mind I could run to my apartment easily, I still had my running shoes on, so I left.  That's all I remember.

the little Hero

I dreamed that I had my son's friends overnight, so there was a lot of kids in my apartment.  They were all asleep, I was still up watching Casablanca on my laptop (???).  Morning came quickly, and I noticed that my son, Clay, and some girl were missing.  I felt panicky, and went outside to find some guys hanging out drinking beers.  I thought them suspicious, they offered me a beer and said they were going to a diner for breakfast and I could join them.  I went along, thinking they had something to do with the missing children and I would find out where they are without alerting them.  We went to a diner, and my dream became colorless, like an old black and white film.  I asked the waitress for something without meat, then some cops busted in.  The guys called them "coppers" (haha!) then ran out the back through the kitchen.  I was about to follow when the waitress told me I had an urgent phone call.  I went to a phone booth in a corner, and it was Clay who called.  I was so relieved, he said some guys took a girl, so he followed them and found her, and that he was waiting for me in their hideout which was in a temple.  I told him to stay hidden and I was coming for them.  I rushed out the back and, conveniently, there was a temple out there, like a Mayan pyramid.  I saw the men going inside, I was really fucking angry and bolted after.  Inside, the men were waiting in line to get inside a small hole in a wall.  They were stuck I found out, because they were all handcuffed to each other at the ankles.  I pulled the first guy out of the hole, they surrendered and said the girl was in the hole, which was a tunnel.  I got in and it became the stuff of nightmares, I felt panic and fear both from the kid's safety and claustrophobia.  As I struggled through, the walls were tight against my shoulders and thighs, then I woke up with my heart racing.

meditation (the McVegan)

I blew my thighs off, great workout, and stretched then laid on the floor in meditation when I felt like dying.  I dreamed about a car that I am going to paint.  It's stressful, in waking life, it's a shit car and I wouldn't spend money to paint it, but in my dream, I went above and beyond to order a new bumper kit for it.  I ordered it on Amazon, it was morning, and I got the package instantly.  For some reason, I took the box into a public restroom to open it, and I found I was ripped off when I opened it. Shit, fuck blushing angry sweat on my brow.  I pulled a crudely cut sheet metal bumper out, and a bag of sheet metal screws and rubber washers.  It looked like it belonged on an unsafe carnival ride, and the bumper was only a foot wide, while the car is fuckin' like 5 feet wide.  The rest of the box was full of packaging stuffers, wadded paper and bubble wrap.  I pulled it all out, and at the bottom of the box was a McDonald's bag, and it smelled fresh.  I looked at the receipt stapled on the bag, and it was for this mornings' date.  I looked through it and it was full of McNuggets, boxes of hamburgers and fries.  I pulled it all out and found a "sammich" with a sticker that said "McVegan", as gross as it was to eat in a public restroom, I took a bite.  Then another, and more, and then I woke up.  When I woke, I was drooling all over my arm on the floor, hungry as fuck! (???)

the gold Coins

I dreamed about God.  Or something heavenly, with a voice like thunder.  His voice came from no one place, but from everywhere.  I was in a room with stone walls, it was long like a hallway but with only one door that I guess I came through and a lit fireplace at the other.  The air felt humid and stuffy.  The voice made me fall over to cover my ears and eyes, I was beginning to scream because it made my body tingle like when your leg falls asleep but way more intense with each word, I didn't hear my own screams.  He said something like "You were so blessed but I said he has to leave".  His tone, despite how much it hurt me, was eerily normal, like he wasn't even yelling at me or angry but I felt like I was gonna die anyway.  When the echoing boom subsided, I felt a coldness from my head spilling down my spine.  Next, I saw an old friend, and I was confused why the voice said a "he".  She was asleep on the floor, and I tried to wake her but she was lightly snoring and chattering her teeth.  I really didn't feel like talking to her anyway, thinking fuck it I'll just leave she'll never know.  When I got up, I realized I was bleeding from my upper back where the cold settled, down my arms and dripping from my fingertips.  I felt faint and sick and panicky, I didn't make it to the door I just laid on the floor and saw that my blood drops there were congealing into gold coins.  That's all I remember.

the Pinecone

I dreamed that I was about to go through surgery.  I was in a gown with a breeze on me butt, and I felt anxious and sick.  I laid on a table while a nurse took my vitals and said the doctor will be in shortly. I waited, looking at all the human anatomy and food guide pyramid posters, and felt the paper on the table crinkle against my bare ass (aaah damn it... hahaha!).  When the doctor came, he was prepared for surgery and asked if I wanted to be blindfolded (a dentist asked me this before, I said no and watched him get on the seat with me and wrestle a wisdom tooth out with a booming crack, it was nuts!).  I said no to the blindfold, and he used shot needles to anesthetize the area around my heart.  While he worked, he told me they have to replace my heart with a pinecone (???).  So I watch as he cuts me open, clamps the wound and spreads my ribs, yet I wasn't very appalled to witness.  It didn't hurt.  Then he cleanly removed my heart and replaced it with a pinecone, closed and sutured me up and said I have to go to aftercare.  He wheel chaired me across the hall and I felt my extremities tingling and beginning to become numb.  In aftercare, the nurse asked how I felt, I said everything is numb with pulsing tingles.  She said it's okay, the pinecone is opening and the seeds are sprouting, turning my blood vessels into roots, and that is good progress.  I calmly accepted it also, I just felt it was necessary.  I played with my hands while answering her questions like if I smoked and how much alcohol I consume and exercise routines, trying to feel roots growing or something, but only tingling....  I woke up on the couch with my arms above the armrest, tingling with cut off circulation.

Mrs. Attrition

I meditated, thinking about all the stuff bothering me.  It was easy to hear someone else's voice when I haven't seen much of anyone lately.  She told me reason, her voice is high pitched and playful, yet urgent and condescending.  She said first to stop being so fucking sad all the time.  My heart dropped and I felt a lump in my throat, but that's what she said I shouldn't do.  I swallowed it and breathed till my body was under control again.  She said I need to do some things over, I need to light corners of my life where bad things are hiding.  She said the one that you're denying is how hurt you are.  You held it all in, and it's overflowing finally.  Again, I resisted the desire to cry, but that's what she told me I need to release, so I let my body go and wept.  I felt tired and weak, she said I need to make friends.  It's not good being so alone, I got angry because I have friends and no enemies.  She told me I don't need enemies when I have the friends I have.  It angered me because it's true, I'm starting to not like her.  I feel sleepy but the floor is cold.  I was starting to drift away.  She said her name is Mrs. Attrition, she's my wife.  I said I'm single though, she replied I am in a different way. She said I need to do more cardio, and to let my emotions out when I do.  I used to do that, I told her, I remember blowing my legs apart in the park, feeling sick and depressed, but I kept running until my heaving breath changed how I felt, and I felt fucking good.  I said thanks for reminding me, but I need to go now.  She said okay you can wake up and use your body again, but you have to scream and growl until you're not angry anymore.  So I woke up and put a pillow in my face, letting go until a hot, damp pillow and cramping side left me laughing.

jaws

I dreamed I was in a city, it was tall and dense.  The people were scared, and on the news there was something about aliens attacking (haha!).  The power in the city went out, and everyone was quarantined in it by ships.  I went with a group of people I didn't know to escape and get food and supplies to bring back.  For some reason, I had parked my truck outside the city limits while hiking, I told the group we could use it to get food and I also had a rifle in it. We were able to leave the gate that surrounded it with fake I.D.'s, and the aliens looked like humans.  We got to the truck and drove to a military depot where soldiers loaded a pallet of stuff in the back, and we returned to the city.  Inside, we found that half the city had fallen into a lake that wasn't there before, so what remained of the city was rested at the edge of a cliff with water below. We ran into a building that was halved by the cliff, and below in the water there were lots of people screaming and struggling.  There were also silhouettes of sharks investigating the disaster.  Our group was upset and worried, yelling we have to save them.  I took my rifle and said if I can shoot a shark that was further away from the people, maybe the rest will follow the blood and give the people a chance to swim away.  I took a few shots, but the targets were too small and fast.  Then, I saw a huge sting ray gliding toward the frenzy, and I was able to hit it.  We watched and screamed at the people to swim away from the feeding frenzy, which erupted quickly and looked like boiling red water.  That's all I remember.

the shitty chicken Bucket

I dreamed I was back in the Navy.  I was on duty, and was on the roster for a watch.  For some reason, my grandma wanted to take me to dinner.  I was preparing for my watch when she asked, so on my way to the station, I did the shittiest thing and snuck off to meet my granny at some fast food restaurant.  I felt obligated to go because she said she was bringing my son.  When I got to the restaurant, it was at the top of some concrete steps, like 30 feet above the street.  It smelled like fried chicken and fried everything you could fry, like sniffing the air raises your cholesterol.  My grandma drove her car up the steps (???!!!) and everyone looked at her in shock. I started to walk up the steps, kind of embarrassed, but then terrified when I remembered I was in my uniform and about to go on watch so I also had a shotgun and pistol.  I quickly told grandma I had to go, she insisted I take a bucket of fried chicken so I did, and rushed back to the ship.  I went straight to my berthing, I was late for my watch. In the berthing I found my coworker, who was playing with a new camera.  I avoided him trying to take my picture, in case it became evidence.  Suddenly, my Chief busted into the berthing looking for me, he was mad.  I said I was on my way out to my watch station but I had diarrhea and had to poop first, and I was looking for this chicken bucket in case I had to poop in it on watch ( what the fuck?!?!?! ).  That's all I remember.

otaku Raifusutairu

I dreamed I moved into a new apartment.  It was the end of the world, so I didn't pay for it.  I just found an intact building and decided to live here, because it was secure, still had drapes and functioning locks.  It was clean, but no food or water.  I looked into the other apartments in the building and neighboring buildings for anything useful.  Most were decrepit and abandoned but I found one that was filled to the ceiling with garbage, with a walkway inbetween the filth, with flickering lights at the other end.  I walked through the garbage, which were booze bottles and take-out food stuff.  When I found the light, it was from a TV, there was someone playing video games there.  I was surprised to see anybody, and said hello. I knew him, and he said "Whoa! Hey!"  He stood up to shake my hand.  He was drunk and looked embarrassed about it.  He asked if I could give him a tattoo, I was a bit confused, how could he be like this considering the world was wrecked.  I felt pity for him and said "Nah, I haven't been tacking in a long time."  He offered a drink and I told him I haaaaaaaaaas to go now.  We said our goodbyes, which turned into an escape effort, and I went back to my new apartment.  I had found some food and I started to cook some "boil-in-bag" rice and a can of black beans for myself and my son, who came out of a room with his Star Wars "Tattooine Bar" Lego set.  I served him dinner and kissed his head.  I last remember the gratifying feeling you get seeing a child eating, like blissfully unaware and safe and happy.

the snort Gun

I first remember being in an auditorium.  the stage was set between two seating areas, kind of like a runway.  The play was supposed to be about guns, but there were no actual guns.  Everyone sitting with me was in costume, and I found we had just finished our performance and were about to watch the competing team.  It started, and the play made no sense.  It was weird, there was a man dressed as a baby and a duo of girls trying to do a Japanese animation routine, but they seemed lost in their act and embarrassed.  Then, a progression of people carrying people stacked on top of people came progressed out, like a human powered parade.  They danced and swayed to Indian music, it got really intense. I saw, in the opposite seating area, a girl I knew years ago.  She saw me and came up to say hi.  She had to yell at me, she was also dressed in costume and asked me to hold her prop, which was like a spacey, fantasized gun.  She screamed in my ear that I looked good and my arms are huge now, which of course made me feel awesome :] I pulled the trigger on her prop, and it made a noise and fired harmless but visible light beams.  She grabbed it and said "Oooo no! I don't know how to make it stop..."  The thing kept recharging, making an inhaling whoosh then fired with a vibrating snort, again and again while the music and snort sounds intensified.  Then, I woke up, and my laptop was playing a YouTube vid called "When white people listen to Indian music", which was where the music came from, and the snort gun was my snoring that woke me up.

the Clock

I dreamed about a clock I have in my living room.  It is a cheap, analog, octagonal Wal-Mart clock.  In my dream, it was missing the numbers and the hands were pointing to a time that was not right.  I went to take it off the wall and set it to the correct time, but it was stuck to the wall.  I tried to pry it off carefully and the glass fell out, so I took off the hands and peeled out the face.  Underneath was an actual face, I didn't recognize who.  It was an old and wrinkly lady, eyes closed and motionless.  I touched her cheek, it was warm and real, I pushed it and the whole face popped open like one of those cabinets with magnets you have to push to pop open.  Behind, the clock covered a hole in the wall, which had a slim yet crazy long hallway.  It was dark, and within reach was a light switch. I reached in and tested the switch, and random bulbs along the low ceiling flickered on.  The walls were like u expect looking in a wall, 2x4's, insulation and nails poking inward, but stuck all along it whether glued or nailed to the walls and ceiling was gold jewelry, toys and items embossed with jewels that clicked and swayed (like a metronome and kinetic science sets), purple peacock feathers and letters curled up in gold ribbons, religious items.  All just stuck in the walls.  I was looking down it like WTF!? Where does this go? Then, a door opened at the end, and a woman walked down it at a brisk pace, somehow not knocking anything off the walls.  When she got close enough to see, I recognized her as the lady wearing a leather skirt, white jacket and high heels from Journey's "Separate Ways" music video.  She strutted just the same, with her hands in her pockets, silent and that's all I remember.

the red PJ's

I dreamed I was walking to class, on an unfamiliar campus. It seemed less a campus actually, and more a camp or retreat, but still an institution of education, hard to explain.  The classes were far apart, and getting between classes was a long wilderness hike, my legs were sore.  The day ended, I went back to the (dorm?), which was a single roomed cabin.  There were a couple guys I didn't recognize there, watching a TV placed on the floor, from their sleeping bags.  The room was full of sleeping bags and luggage cases made into makeshift "areas", nothing else except the TV and a queen size bed in the far corner.  The bed was mine, I had all my travel things on it.  Next, I saw a familiar face enter the room, my ex-girlfriend.  It wasn't weird, I had no bad or awkward feelings.  She was happy to see me.  She said classes were crazy, telling me about it as I held a blanket up to cover her from my and the other guys eyes while she changed into a red pair of pajamas.  We laid next to each other watching TV, very "G" rated, then she pushed me playfully, it still did not feel out of place.  She said she felt sleepy and comfortable but asked me to keep talking about my day till she fell asleep.  That's all I remember.

wot in sam Hell?

Another dream I wrote down in my journal at 3 a.m. and don't remember completely, just words.  It sounds fuckin' nuts though, and the only part I remember is that I was playing a PC game online (MechWarrior Online), and I told my team I ran into a (Direwolf) that had an (open center back torso) and I would take him out.  So, I took a pellet gun (not in the game) and walked behind my PC monitor and shot it in the center.  That's all I remember, but the words I had wrote down in my journal are "MechWarrior - direwolf - PC screen - streets - white girl - love - she makes fun of me - remote control thing - RC and rats - shooting in room - dirty room - pumping pellet gun - the staring game".

power-nap

I fell asleep for like 10 minutes after a workout, I just laid on the floor and closed my eyes.  My legs were burning, my core muscles felt stricken.  I remember the ceiling, and the sound of harsh winds outside.  Then came creaking, and dizzying movement, like the foundation the apartment complex was shifting.  My fingertips felt tingly, like after you use a hammer very harshly for a long time.  I felt stressed out, it was hot and I was making nails out of kitchen utensils and other metal bits in front of a forge.  My hands ached from hammering the shapes out on an anvil, and my legs burned because I was too tall for it.  That and running back and forth from the forge and walls, to hammer in freshly made nails so the building didn't collapse on me.  I felt really stressed, like I should be using energy on a better plan instead of this seemingly useless waste of it.  I pounded out more nails, the building seemed fine, so I took the opportunity to make a shit load more.  The building didn't creak anymore and the winds calmed, and I woke when I realized I had made way too many nails.

fukn Owls

I hate owls.  I dreamed I was in my apartment, my new neighbors were having a party and invited me over.  I went in, and saw an old coworker/friend.  I called her Wu, she said hi and we hugged and got a drink together.  I was going to ask how she ended up here, when she became awkward and changed.  Her hair seemed to thin till she looked near bald and the back of head grew longer and drooped down her neck.  I put my drink down, said bye and that I think I had enough (wtf!?).  When I went outside, it was pouring rain yet everyone left their doors open.  Suddenly I heard owls hooting, it was very close and sudden and freakishly loud. I felt really intimidated and the skin on my neck and back crawled as I kneeled on the wet pavement, underneath the tree in front of my apartment where they roosted.  They hooted and hooted and flapped their wings.  Although I didn't look at them, I was able to stand back up and walk into my apartment with stricken nerves salvaged.  I looked at them once I was in my doorway, they were all glaring at me with faces twisting and rotating like they do, and their necks bulged when they hooted.  That's all I remember.

the Manipulator

I dreamed I met a guy, no idea who he was and he did not look familiar. He was short and hyper.  I found that he was very manipulative when he asked if I could give him a hand, and I said no problem, guy.  He dropped some books, and said can you pick those up.  It was kinda weird, but I went ahead and did it.  He did it again, and I walked away without saying anything or picking it up again.  He followed me, then mocked me about when I first did pick the books up for him, calling me his bitch.  I felt nothing, I just continued to walk, yet he followed and others joined him.  Then they all got excited, or scared, acting out like gang members do in public.  We were at a parade, with lots of people, the streets were stopped with traffic. Suddenly, I was part of them, guy grabbed me and said if I was already seen with his group and if they let me off alone I would be in danger.  They said they had a van we could jump into and get out of there, so I jumped in.  As slow as the traffic was, we somehow got stuck going like 2-3 mph down the packed highway next to an open convertible with their rival gang in it.  However, they didn't look like a gang, they were a man and woman, well dressed with a couple teens in the back.  Yet, they swore at us and threw signs like a gang. We finally got off the highway and out of traffic, to an apartment complex.  On the way up to their apartment, I saw my dad and brother in a hallway, I said hi and hugged my brother, but ignored my dad.  We continued into "guys" apartment, which was an empty apartment, it looked like a nice apartment yet it was without furniture and electricity.  A big window let moonlight in, and "guy" said they had trouble at the docks, whatever that meant.  I felt used and weird, I just wanted to leave.  I said "hey, I gotta take off"... then "guy" came up to me and showed me a belt with a sparkly buckle.  He said this could have been yours if you did as I said, but now you get this belt, and it had a plain green buckle.  I said no, I'm not going to join your gang.  He called me a bitch again and lashed out at me, saying I belong to him and I should be grateful.  I walked away, then he hit me with the buckled belt.  I turned and found his throat, then squeezed.  I lost it, he was helpless and I looked at his friends do nothing.  So, I let him go, and he didn't run away, which was weird.  Instead, he began to cry, like his feelings were hurt.  Then I woke up.  Fuckin' weirded out.

the terrible Children

I dreamed I was in a battle.  Weapons were primitive yet we feared the idea of "magic" like nuclear holocaust.  We were scared, and no manner of preparation comforted us.  (For some reason I remember goat cheese...???).  We had a Ruler, a King, and he presented himself to us, soldiers, in our camp.  It was cold and wet out, the snow didn't stick.  The King said he has a solution to the war, that he would rely on magic to win, and we could leave and go home.  We welcomed this solution, and I left the camp for home skeptically yet thankful.  I got like 5 minutes down a road when a man came hustling up to me, screaming the plan did not work, and I needed to get back to the front.  There were other men running back with me shortly after, and we were ready to counter whatever the enemy had sent at us.  When we arrived, we found that the magic that the king used was to turn all the enemy soldiers into children, thinking it advantageous.  However, even as children, they still had intent, mission, and the same ferocity. No one of us sane had the heart to slay the children, and I watched the little ones overrunning and killing armored and teary eyed men easily.  That's all I remember.

Rudy

I dreamed about my friends.  I was with Leon, who was closer than my own brother, and with my dog Rudy.  I was in Junior High at the time, and I remember what we used to do often, dorks, but it was fun and it made an impact on my life, and I dreamed about it.  One night, Leon and I loaded up our pellet guns, I put Rudy on his leash and we took a midnight stroll down farm road in Shiprock, NM.  Normally, that would be scary, but we had Rudy.  Rudy was a half Chocolate Labrador and Rottweiler mix, and he was totally retarded, in a good way (like Sloth from the Goonies).  I knew if he wanted to, I couldn't hold him back with his leash if it mattered, and if he got away he would most likely die protecting us or be back on the porch in the morning all fucked up, which was actually a normal occurrence.  He was not mean, but he was a beast, the most gentle I ever seen.  He viciously would attack stones, even broke a tooth on one, for example.  The moon was full, we walked along the irrigation ditch and found pipes lifted above the ground with rushing water inside them.  We tried their strength with a few .177 pellets, no effect.  We kept walking, and Leon told me a scary story about a wooden post that came alive, like a walking stick, and knocked on windows then resumed its position as a post.  I felt safe with Rudy on the end of the reigns anyway, but he pulled and sounded like he was choking himself in exploration.  This was not abnormal either, and I thought I best let him go or get him some water because I could see his foamy mouth in the moonlight.  Then, we found a field in the higher hills, in the desert, in the full moonlight.  There were glowing objects littered all across it, and I found when we got closer they were dryers and washing machines white reflective paint, and old white porcelain toilet bowls glowing under the moonlight, we were in a dump that was obviously unregulated.  I let Rudy off the leash and he immediately flushed out all the jackrabbits and prairie dogs hiding in the dump, and the place became alive.  That's all I remember. I miss my doggy.

twinkly Toes

I dreamed I was climbing a mesa, it was dark grey in color and the air was cool and foggy.  I got on top of it and it was full of... feet.  Yup... the ground had holes dug out every few feet, in a large grid.  in the holes, people were tied at their ankles and hung inside the holes upside down.  I could only see rope binding ankles and feet with diverse shoes wiggling against their binds.  I ran to the nearest set of feet, then thought "I might have to save them all, best not miss any..."  So, I left that set of feet and went to the corner end, thinking to pull them out of the ground one by one in order, so I didn't miss one and let them pass out or something, being upside down and "prolly" terrified and all... I started pulling people out of the ground, they were all wrapped in plastic grocery bags, arms bound behind their backs.  I didn't completely unbind them all, just pulled them up onto their sides or backs, ripped a hole in the plastic about their mouths so they could breathe, and hit the next.  As I progressed through the rows of holes in the ground, I noticed some peoples feet were violently trying to move free, and others were still.  I decided I would only pull up the people who had kicking feet or twinkling toes.  That's all I remember.

meditation

After a work out I laid on the floor with my headphones in, I fell asleep for like 5 minutes and probably would have slept a bit longer if I wasn't waken by a dream I had.  I dreamed I was riding a horse, it looked neon blue in color, like if it was bleach white at first then its coat was stained with blue toilet bowl water.  We were trotting along a path next to a pond, the pond was at the bottom of a cliff.  The water in the pond was murky and filthy looking.  As I stared at the pond, the horse started to trot into the water, against my will.  It was deeper than it looked, and I panicked.  The horse and I sunk so deep all of a sudden, and next I felt a current taking us deeper and deeper.  Next, I felt we were in a pipe system, I got off the horse and kicked myself in front of it in the pipe, in case the pipe became too small for the horse to pass and we both got stuck.  I was right, the pipe tapered so I was just the right size to pass through.  I was starting to panic that I would run out of breath before the pipe ended, or a clog or grate or strainer or something would have me stuck in a rushing, violent suffocation.  I was hoping (real hard!!!) and trying to restrain my panic and fear to prolong my one breath.  With that thought, I woke up.