meditation

I sat cross-legged on the floor, in front of a mirror leaned against the wall. I turned the lights off, only seeing the faint sunset glow behind me from the window.  I thought to myself I better not linger too long like this because I realized I just made my bedroom depressing as fuck.  So, I stared at my right eye with half open eyes, thinking. I thought about food, because my body needed it. I told my body okay soon. My eyes adjusted to the dark but I stared at my eye. I thought about stress, not what was stressing me out currently but what it is doing to my body.  My neck hurts, I tire easily, I find perhaps I'm not sleeping well. I must be moving a lot in sleep.  My eyes adjusted again, dimmer, because I was not using them though they were open. I suddenly felt drowsy, even my back wanted to quit holding me upright. I just focused on my breath for awhile, until I watched in my peripheral vision fuzzy purple globs dancing around, and white flashes high in corners. Then, I moved my eyes suddenly because I felt hot tears on my cheeks. Everything instantly adjusted, I had fallen asleep with my eyes open and when dried, gushed hot wet salt.  I felt fear, I don't know what about, but like a jumpy panic adrenalin surge through me and I let out a whimpering cry. I felt relief after, even a comical satisfaction from my body expelling fear so unexpectedly, I watched myself laughing at myself in the dark mirror for a moment.  That was interesting.

sundance

I dreamed very stressfully. I had a project to do, I felt like I was failing because I meant to help people but have pushed it back for awhile now. This manifested as my grandmother. I always help her with things, but I felt indebt to her in my dream. I went to her house to see what I can do.  It was bizarre, as if night and day were squished between the horizons.  Gold light from the sun and purple glow from the full moon made nothing seem sensible in a dizzying effect. My uncle Phillip is staying with her, her brother.  I didn't want to see him, he's struggling with alcohol and I didn't feel up to it, in fact I'm sick of hearing from so many about a lack of selfdiscipline.  So many sad stories.  My uncle has a dog, I actually never seen him but I dreamed about him.  I expected him to be a good dog and defend the house when I drove up. He did, I dreamed he was a small dog though.  Familiar, he was like a vicious puppy, yet he was old.  He had markings like a pitbull but his vicious tenacity was trapped in the body of a chihuahua. A familiar looking specimen, but his name was Sundance.  He attacked my shoes.  I turned my back on him, I felt fearless, and he stopped. He squeaked and whimpered playfully. I turned toward Sundance and he had transformed into a giant fuckin' shaggy white dog.  I instantly recognized him as Falcor from the never ending story, and I had become the Native American boy Atreyu.  Geeked out.  The living room was dark except for the television being on, and my other uncle, deceased, who died of his alcohol addiction, spoke to me with bloodshot eyes and slurred speech.  He said thank you for helping my sister, and to please help his brother, and offered a hand shake out.  I listened, but thought it useless to shake a ghosts hand.  I went to say hello to my uncle Phillip, to tell him his little doggy won't fit through the front door anymore. The kitchen where he sat was black, almost nonexistent in space. That's all I remember.

???

I dreamed I filled a kiddie pool with milk and donuts, then used a 3 ft. decor spoon I seen at Pier 1 Imports to try and eat the biggest bowl of cheerios ever...  (???)

???

I dreamed I went to a zoo, but it was unlike a conventional zoo, it was an indoor zoo that looked more like a museum.  I went through the halls that were stuffed full of taxidermy animals and placards with animal and plant information.  It didn't seem like there were any rooms, just halls.  In one hall there was an attraction, there were bobcats in hibernation.  The hall was refrigerated, and lined up across the floor against the walls were sleeping bobcat kittens tucked under snow like a blanket, just their heads poking out with sleepy faces and button noses and little tufts of hair on their twitchy eartips and yawning little squeaks with tiny pink tongues and needle teeth and it was just cute as fuck!!!! My shoelace was untied, I didn't notice until one kitten grabbed it, then all the kittens broke out of their snowy blankets and started attacking my shoelaces, and the zookeeper was yelling at me trying to get them to calm down, he said he didn't want the big one to wake up.  The big one was an adult bobcat sleeping in a bowl about the size of a tire, and it started moving.  The zookeeper was like "shit!", I watched as the adult woke up and started to cry, and then I woke up when the bobcats' cry sounded like a baby crying in a crib. 

this Sucks!

I dreamed I had to go back to the Navy, stationed in Japan, I was drafted to.  As awesome as it would be to go, I didn't want to go because that would mean leaving Anne on the other side of the world.  It just sucked, I arrived at the ship feeling sickened and lost.  I was texting her, my only comfort it seemed.  The people in my office were having a party, I decided to join, thinking a few drinks would help take the edge off.  I had wine, I remember thinking I'm starting to get drunk so now I feel depressed as well.  It hit emotionally hard, a huge sense of loss and sadness.  I text Anne and asked if she wanted to Skype later that evening, she said yes, and I felt my spirit lifted.  I went back to the ship, and my old co-worker "Wu" was there.  She said welcome back, and that I should check my work PC for my duty day.  I thought I'll do it tomorrow, I just got here there's no way I'm scheduled already.  I asked if I can use the work PC to Skype, she said no, and there was no Wi-Fi either.  I text Anne and said I can't Skype, bummer.  I then realized it would be morning for her when I'm here, it was really depressing, I hated being so far.  I asked Wu if she wanted some wine, she said no, then I drank a whole bottle of Pinot Noir like water.  I logged onto the work PC to see my duty day, and it said I'm on right now.... I thought no fucking way man!!! Then there was a call, Wu answered, and then she said I'm supposed to stand watch right now and they needed me to go to the armory.  I wanted to give up life, I'm gonna be in a world of trouble when I go to the armory intoxicated.  Fuck.  What a nightmare, I woke up so relieved I woke up.  Good fucking morning.