the Artist

I dreamed I was on a trip, in a bus.  There were lots of people I knew from grade school.  A girl sat next to me, I was staring out the window when she took my arm and held it up, admiring  my tattoos.  She was definitely hitting on me, getting very close.  I wasn't interested though, and steered the conversation away from anything flirty and we talked about art and tattoos.  The bus driver announced that we had too many people, and asked for any volunteers to stay behind.  I didn't know where we were, but I volunteered.  The girl held onto my arm and she became deeply saddened I had chose to leave, I said goodbye nice talk and left.  I checked into a hotel, it was a house actually.  I was thinking I'm gonna have to get rid of some of my things to walk home in the morning.  I walked about the house, asking if any of the other occupants wanted my art supplies.  I found a little girl who said she wanted to draw, so I gave her all my things, thinking I'll buy more when I get home.  I found that all the rooms in the house did not have doors, and there was a gym.  I decided to workout because I couldn't sleep.  In the gym, instead of a whole wall covered in mirrors, there was a one way window.  A group of guys were staring out the window, where the little girl was drawing a huge mural of snakes laying around and on top of an old abandoned truck.  It looked impressive, I watched for awhile and thought I'll just fly home instead of walk.  That's all I remember.

the spider Room

I dreamed I went to school, high school.  That building I loathed... not for architecture but for peer rejection.  That shit sucked for me, but I had me friends, like 90% in band class.  We stalked the entire high school, just being allowed access after hours accrued us this, besides the sheer amount of stupid going on.  It was Friday, some friends and I hid in the school overnight.  It was eerie, but we raided vending machines and found comfort in our echoed screams inside the basketball court.  I was always so modest, they started drinking, I said no.  I walked home, the path was long but I knew it well in waking, it passed instantly.  I went to pee, then when I came back to my room there was a girl there.  She wore a uniform, it looked heavy and wool, grey and with regalia matching the SS.  She looked straight out of a holocaust movie, but without Nazi symbols.  She looked Asian, stern and without make-up.  I said "Hi!", she inspected my room meticulously, saying before she left that I should run away.  I said perhaps, but she smiled and raised her brow at me as she left, suddenly she was attractive.  Next, a girl I knew walked in, inspected my space.  She was a coworker, jokes were endless between us, but she was afraid to look at me.  She said I gotta leave ASAP.  She wore the same uniform as the girl earlier, who liked me.  I was confused, but I agreed.  I blacked out, and when morning came, I was still in my dream, I'd guess 20 seconds since my last remembrance.  The Sun stroked every corner of the walls here, yet my room was empty.  Only my bed, then I saw glint, sparkles, recognition of silver spiders webs, natural geometry gracing the legs and walls near my bed, a bit disgusting.  I sat up in my bed, seeing my socks and shoes plastered to the ground in thick silver webbing.  I pulled it up, for some reason thinking to bite a thick strand, and immediately spitting out a wad of spiders webs from my mouth.  I pulled the strands out my mouth meticulously, yet when I looked about, the room was institutionally empty.  That's all I remember.

the matchMaker

I dreamed about my son.  It is his birthday tomorrow, I guess I was stressed with planning our time together.  I was making his favorite supper, I had his gifts and a small cake for him.  This year it's Godzilla themed.  Just us two, complications, but I'm here.  I dreamed he was an adult though, and I was still planning like he was so little.  He was smart in my dream, and saw through me.  He asked what was wrong, I said I'm sorry, you're just growing too fast.  He said no, not that, you're sad.  His words rending my heart loose, my superiority turned to admiration for him, to confinement.  I admitted to him, I am lonely and my heart is broken.  He said he knows, he's watched it happen.  He watched me suffer and long, he said he saw me hurting but he didn't understand before, but now he does.  He said he loves me, and he sees what I've done for him, but I'm too concerned about how others I loved hurt so much.  I said you're right, son, I felt wet hotness press from my eyes and drip off my cheeks.  You're so pure, so innocent, I want your soul to acknowledge my partner before mine, not to be forced to accept it.  I know you won't stop loving me, I know you won't leave me, I know how beautiful and important you are, my son.  I told him when you fail, when the roses thorn rends your heart, I won't let you alone, I'll embrace you and listen to you.  Inside, I told myself fuck my dad, he won't experience this love.  I had waken long before, now I was praying, not asking but listening.

insignificance

I dreamed I was on a ship.  I was alone, the passageways were empty, the offices and spaces and berthings, all empty.  The lights were on inside, humming with electricity it was so silent.  I checked outside, it was night.  Only dim red lights lit the walls out there, the stars and moon were brilliant over calm waters.  I went back inside, I felt extremely lonely.  I just wanted to see anyone or anything, it was really creepy.  I saw one of those old diving suits, the helmet and torso was a brass bulb with scuttle windows.  The legs and boots were iron.  I named him Bob, and asked where everyone went.  No answer, of course, so I put on Bob.  He was heavy, I wanted to walk around and amuse myself.  It was difficult at first, then much easier.  So much so, I thought maybe I can climb down into the engine room below through an escape hatch, which was a laddered 3'x3' drop about 3 levels.  I opened the hatch on the floor , clambered in and fell.  I didn't land on the floor, I broke through it, then another and another until I was sinking underneath the ship.  I was sore all over, the moon lit the ocean floor up, it looked like a desert with small corals polka dotted across it.  The ships belly was dark, casting a shadow over me.  I just stood there, I was scared.  I saw no life in the ocean, I just wanted to stand there a bit, thinking when I need to surface I gotta abandon Bob on the seafloor.  Suddenly, I saw a huge something coming, huge and dark in the distance.  It looked like a jumbo jet at first, flying straight at me, then I recognized as it came closer it was a whale.  I was a little intimidated, but I wanted to touch it if it swam close enough by me.  Maybe she was lonely too, and I felt like showing her she's not alone.  I took weightless steps to intercept it, holding a hand out to stroke her.  When she got right next to me, I completely freaked out, it wasn't a whale, but a massive shark.  Her white mouth hung open with teeth seeming to splinter out in every direction, her black soulless eye looked everywhere and nowhere at the same time.  She was, like I said, the size of a jumbo jet, yet silent as she passed over me.  I cowered, I fell to the seafloor, yet she passed gently by.  I laid staring up at the ship, I felt the weight of so much water pressing against me, I even felt the ships weight seemingly on top of tons of water.  I felt so small, so vulnerable yet calm at the same time.  That's all I remember.

i don't fukn Know

(WARNING: Blood and regurgitation)
I dreamed I was visiting family.  It was evening, we were all in a kitchen while food was being prepared, all drinking.  I felt drunk, I felt happy to be with everyone there again.  Suddenly, it felt like I had hair stuck in my mouth.  I tried to spit it out but it seemed to get worse.  I felt it in between my teeth and binding my tongue, reaching back toward my throat, making me want to gag.  I went to the kitchen sink and started pulling it out, it went from annoying to WTF!?!  As I pulled clumps of hair out, I discovered what felt like plastic strips binding my tongue and creeping between my teeth.  It hurt, I pulled out strips of what looked like twist ties, pulling from between my teeth made my gums bleed some.  It seemed I was getting it all out, but the last two strands were leading down my throat.  I gave it a tug and almost threw up, so I pulled it slowly yet I had to use some muscle to get it moving.  It was attached to a rope, which when I got dislodged, was a knotted and doubled over length of rope, no idea how long, hanging out my mouth.  I could only breathe through my nose, I was desperately trying to unknot it and find an end to work with.  I was able to tug on one strand, and it felt like the end of the rope was slipping out my throat.  When I pulled it out, the end was knotted around a jump rope handle.  I pulled from that end only, sorting out the rope and knots along the way.  Then, I found a strand to the other end of the rope, and pulled.  This gets weird, I pulled and I felt movement on the other end, it hurt my throat down to my belly.  In a panic, I just ripped the end out, and I'd guess a "medium sized" fucking live alligator spilled out my mouth.  I was appalled, the rope was stained in blood, the end I pulled leading into the alligators mouth.  It kept away, hissing in the corner of the room.  I pulled on both ends of the rope, more and more length came out and I was desperately hoping it would all be over and out.  It didn't, it stopped and it felt like the middle of the entire rope was tied around wherever the tongue begins in my throat.  I pulled slowly, I tugged sharply, I moved my neck in awkward ways, my gums still bled all the while.  Finally, I turned to my mom and muttered "I need help, I need to get to a hospital".  She started looking through a phonebook for where to go, I cut the ropes near my mouth with a steak knife.  She pointed in the phonebook, saying if this was where I wanted to go.  I took the book and took out my cell to dial the number.  I didn't do it, I felt the rope sliding up my throat, the tight knot sliding off felt familiar (and inappropriate to detail)... but sore and wet, yet satisfying.  I led the rope out, and as soon as the knot popped off my tongue...  It was terrible.  So much blood and food spilled out, I didn't vomit, it just spilled out.  I held my head over the sink as my family held me, even praising me for it.  My mom said "Okay, we understand now", and I remember someone saying something about the alligator and what I ate.  I felt my guts empty and when I looked it was all indistinguishable flesh, splinters of bone and so much blood.  It was so fucking disgusting, I felt myself wanting to vomit for real and I woke up.  That's all I remember.

my body is not a grave, Meditation

I thought about who I want to become.  My heart is pulsing, I can hear my blood rushing through my ears, and it feels amazing.  I'm not small, I'm huge.  I'm strong, I'm intimidating.  I know when I walk into a room, people notice, because I have presence.  People cower at me if they're laden with guilt, I know this.  No one fucks with me.  No one can hurt me, malice and treachery strike out at me like bullets, but roll gently off my back like water.  I don't not care, instead I save my energy for love, my best activation.  My arms aren't huge to strike, but to embrace.  If I had an enemy I would hold them close, I would whisper "You know I love you anyway", and my embrace would crush them.  But then, I have no enemies.  I am silent, but when I speak I know everyone listens, because I have gentle, loving things to say.  If I had enemies, my shout alone would cease their hearts.  I'm a giant, yet gentle because my heart is so fucking big.  It throbs and pulses passionately.  I won't harm anyone or anything that hates me, because they'll expire while throwing themselves at me.  No more blood, no more flesh or bones, pain or misery.  I will not eat animals, their corpses being laid to rest in my belly.  People respect me, people are intimidated of me, and I achieved this without hate or anger, without suffering or fear.  I am the great lover, because that love makes me so strong.  No one will dare declare me their enemy, their hate will be realized as loathing for themselves.  No one will ever fuck with me, they'll exhaust themselves ineffectively against my back.  No one will say the things they say about me, to me, because they're afraid of being wrong, they're afraid of hurting me.  No one will hurt me, because I love them.