the matchMaker

I dreamed about my son.  It is his birthday tomorrow, I guess I was stressed with planning our time together.  I was making his favorite supper, I had his gifts and a small cake for him.  This year it's Godzilla themed.  Just us two, complications, but I'm here.  I dreamed he was an adult though, and I was still planning like he was so little.  He was smart in my dream, and saw through me.  He asked what was wrong, I said I'm sorry, you're just growing too fast.  He said no, not that, you're sad.  His words rending my heart loose, my superiority turned to admiration for him, to confinement.  I admitted to him, I am lonely and my heart is broken.  He said he knows, he's watched it happen.  He watched me suffer and long, he said he saw me hurting but he didn't understand before, but now he does.  He said he loves me, and he sees what I've done for him, but I'm too concerned about how others I loved hurt so much.  I said you're right, son, I felt wet hotness press from my eyes and drip off my cheeks.  You're so pure, so innocent, I want your soul to acknowledge my partner before mine, not to be forced to accept it.  I know you won't stop loving me, I know you won't leave me, I know how beautiful and important you are, my son.  I told him when you fail, when the roses thorn rends your heart, I won't let you alone, I'll embrace you and listen to you.  Inside, I told myself fuck my dad, he won't experience this love.  I had waken long before, now I was praying, not asking but listening.