Meditation

I sat against a wall cross legged, I was tired I just worked out, my biceps and triceps felt torn and my thighs felt tenderized (good fuckin' workout man!).  I just finished stretching, I turned everything electrical off and listened to nothing, telling myself 20 minutes, do it jerkface.  I breathed shallow, let my head hang.  I released all tension in my body, starting at my core, my spine, my stricken guts, then to my limbs, my extremities, slowly uncovering pieces of me I kept tight.  Somewhere in my body anger is trapped, I want to find it and release it, I don't need it anymore.  I felt everything go, I let my mind wander.  I thought about Anne.  I thought about sex.  I thought about my friend Matt.  I thought about God.  I thought about dinner.  I thought about wine.  I thought about that weird pain in my back.  I thought about death.  I thought about a galaxy, and if my soul would go there.  Heaven seems boring, I don't want a gold mansion full of treasure.  I want my dog Rudy back.  I want to watch my son grow old, and whisper blessings to him.  I want to feel loved and cry happily.  I want to watch the universe being created.  I want to take dance lessons with Anne.  I want to go fishing.  I want the tingle in my spine to continue, and it did.  It spread everywhere, creeping to my fingertips and toes, to the center of my forehead and tip of my junk (oh grow up!).  It collected at those places then rippled back, exploding chain reactions, overlapping and vibrating through me.  My entire body felt like when your leg falls asleep, intense, I imagined spirituality.  I imagined perhaps this is how the body is left when the soul is cast out.  Or, perhaps when you invite something else in.  It felt good, it was soothing and I knew it would help me find what I'm looking for.  I fell asleep sitting up, I dreamed about a cricket.  I picked him up so he could sing me to sleep, and I sang with him in a deep voice next to the camp fire.  Suddenly my throat gave out, I felt strain there and I got angry because I couldn't sing, I'm missing this opportunity, the cricket will be gone in the morning.  Then I realized I found it.  I woke up and screamed, I growled until my throat was raw, until blood pooled in my fingers and my core felt stricken.  It felt sooooo fuckin' good to do.  I rolled on my back onto the floor laughing, I found it and expelled it.