Meditation

Sometimes we should think about something important, stop and ponder critically about it.  This time it's very important.  My heart is heavy and saddened today.  It's not anyone's fault, it's just a part of life, I learned that already.  When it happens to someone else, I remember how I felt and it feels worse.  My mother is hurting.  I can't wish her feelings away and take them for myself, I would if I could.  A person on this Earth out of a few, that I am blessed to have in my life, doesn't deserve this.  Watching her crumble is fucking awful.  I haven't prayed in so long, I have walked so far away from all that, I don't even care about myself in that way anymore, but I tried.  I cried and I fell, I pleaded for Him to rescue her.  I said I would lift her up above the waves even if it meant I drown.  I said I would take all that pain and anguish for myself, and swallow it with a smile if I saw her continue to be happy.  She deserves that, more than I and more than anyone I know.  It's not fair, I prayed.  I found I spoke truthfully when I pray, and that no answer came because of the guilt and shame I feel when kneeling before Him.  I'm lost and forgotten, but I don't care right now, mom needs comfort and a place to stay.  Mom needs a prayer from able souls, this that I am not.  I cooked for her, I made her bed and talked with her until she slept, I embodied a loving and caring son.  Until she drifted away from all this, into the place I love the most, in dreams.  In a sense I did take her pain away, I saw her off to that place, then buckled and broke down myself.  I won't let her see me like this, sad, worried, angry, she doesn't need that.  She needs love.  As I sat alone up so late, I found that indeed my prayer was answered without me knowing, that if God as an entity is love, He has channeled so much through me to give to her.  So, have it all mom, I kept none for myself, and sweet dreams.