meditation

I feel good.  Almost enough to forget how, so I stopped and sat on the floor.  No electricity except that in my brain, dancing and tickling my psyche.  I try to relax but even happiness strains the face muscles and tightens the core.  I tried to explore my mind, to unleash or uncover bits left hidden, but I am distracted.  Fuck it, go with it, I imagined my son.  He needs to learn to eat like a human being, haha!  I imagined he a pterodactyl, he wants to be one.  I tell him "well you eat like one", and he is a pterodactyl trying to use a fork to eat honey slammin' salmon and wild rice with peas and carrots, sweet potatoes.  I ask my pterodactyl if after his fish he would like to open his skin-fold wings and glide across the mesazoic landscape, he says no he wants an orange creamsicle.  "Eat your food!"  I next imagined a safe place, a nice place, a home away from home.  I have "Promiscuous" by Nelly Furtado stuck in my head.  I thought of Anne.  I smiled, in fact I'm cheesing geekily.  That's totally a word, geekily.  I thought of a place I like, it's outside.  The garden is kept, and the smoke from the grill calms the honey bees, too busy in bountiful nectar to be aggressive as I sit among them.  They never sting, sometimes they land on the rim of my glass, attracted to the sugars in the wine.  There's love there.  There's familiarity there.  We prepare dinner together, busy yet happy.  Drunk yet safe.  I imagine the honey bees reflect us, calm and relaxed, oblivious, busy.  Ready to sting, to swarm, if any entity hurts us.  One of us.  I imagine dying in service to this home, I got one sting, one life to give, it's not much but it's all I got, and I'll give it all if needed.  This place has shown me that, this place is fuckin' worth it.