after Suddenly

I dreamed I was on a mission.  Like a secret agent or something.  I had a friend but I questioned his loyalty.  He was small and conniving.  We were on our way to a restaurant, he said his family is hidden in the building somewhere.  Behind the dining area, beyond the kitchen, the building transformed into twisting hallways with many open doors.  It looked third world, it was dirty and walls were constructed with crude bits of garbage.  He gives me two bullets, saying it's all we have to infiltrate with, no gun for them.  We found his family, they greeted him happily but wouldn't let me in.  He went to his old room, changed into his childhood clothes and looked at me in shame.  The building had guards following us and they wanted to kill me.  I was angry, I was his decoy, I ran at him and asked why?!  No response, he hung his head.  I put one bullet in my mouth and told him to put the other in his, he obeyed like a guilty dog.  I told him to stay hidden as I went after the leader of whoever sent men to kill us.  I was back in the kitchen, someone grabbed me and said I'm late, to get my uniform on and serve the guests.  I served the leader in disguise, he had a gun on the table.  It was a high class dinner meeting.  The leader was speaking that their army had no more ammunition.  I spoke up, mumbling that I have a bullet to spare, spitting it out and offering it to him.  He was appalled that it was in my mouth, refusing to touch it.  I told him I will load it for him so he doesn't handle my germs, he agreed, so I loaded the weapon and shot his heart hiding behind so many medals.  His army had no fight, they looked at each other confused and saddened.  I ran back to my friend and his family to tell him the news.  They were all gone, except my friend, he was laughing and boasting that he killed his family, I became so angry, then he said he was also a leader of an army, against the one whose leader I had just assassinated.  I asked for the bullet, he spit it in my hand, saying he had come back to kill his family because they worked for his enemy.  I loaded the weapon and shot his heart hiding behind the children's clothing he wore.  Then I was instantly at home, with my son.  Nothing worked, no electricity, but there was a deep whisper in my head speaking directly into me.  He said you stopped the world and everyone is gone now, except you two.  It was late and I was putting my son to sleep, we prayed until he fell asleep, and I kept praying alone.  I said I was scared, and the voice asked what I wanted.  My first thought was a wife.  My next thought was safety, then rebirth, then survival, and then he stopped me.  He said that I need to provide the safety for those two, and that he would provide everything else.  I felt like crying and then my alarm clock went off.  The rest of today has just been weird, have you ever had a dream that just straight funked you out? Yikes.

wine to Water

I first remember I was packing for a hiking trip.  I was asked to be a sort of "guide" for a girl.  I was inventorying our things, it became clear what her intentions were after trying to figure out what to carry.  I was testing her bag, seeing how much water she could carry, she insisted on carrying alcohol as well.  I tested her bag to see if she could carry a tent, she insisted I carry one tent for the both of us.  I wasn't interested, she agreed to carry her own with a mischievous grin.  I thought, "Oh fuck... what am I getting into, I'm not even showing any interest in her.  I don't wanna go now, shit."  I realized there was two other people there, two Chiefs I remember from the Navy.  They said they got some things from the armory for me, handed me a huge seabag full of junk.  I told them I can't carry all this, we're going on foot.  They were persistent, I was annoyed.  I told the Chiefs, I'm not in the Navy anymore and I will not carry all this.  I opened the bag and it was full of ordnance and other bags (???).  I grabbed a backpack and an over-the-shoulder pack, telling them I'll just use these.  They offered me one of the many rifles from the bag, saying at least take this in case.  I said no, I don't need those anymore, in case of what!?  I told the girl I know where we're going and what to expect, and I come prepared anyway.  I told her that I'm not going to drink or sleep with her, and if she still wants to go to carry her own tent.  I felt in control, where earlier I felt gullible and being taken advantage of, it felt good.  That's all I remember.

the volcanos' Clone

I dreamed I took a trip out of the country, I don't know where or for what reason.  I was in a hotel room, it was very tiny.  There was no restroom, and I decided to go and find it so I know where it is.  The hallways were tiny, they seemed to get smaller and smaller till I had to walk sideways through them.  I was dragging something against the walls, I look down and I was wearing a bulky gun belt with an M9 and spare magazines.  I thought "what the hell do I need this for?", went back to my room and left it there.  I found the restroom finally, it was next to a huge winding staircase.  I went up and it opened up into a courtroom, there was a judge sitting at the stand, he was eating breakfast.  I thought wow it's early, I should be getting ready.  I was about to walk back to my room when I saw a friend, he said the sun is gonna rise over this expired volcano, and that I should take some pictures.  We walked back to the courtroom, where there was a huge window.  My friend is Canadian, and has a thick French accent.  He jokingly screams "Are you ready for the glory?! Let's GO!!!".  The sun rose behind what looked like a clone of Shiprock rock, it was confusing.  I took some pictures and thought "no one's gonna believe I was out of the country when all the pictures I took look like home."  Then the judge asked us why we weren't armed, that today we were to fight.  That's all I remember.

the queen of Hearts (meditation)

I was thinking about a story.  I was making it up in my head.  My body felt tired, I was on my knees with my eyes closed.  The exercise I'm trying is to find your equilibrium, to let your body to rest while allowing your mind to fight itself between tired dream-states and keeping your body from falling over.  Since it's been on my mind in excess lately, I thought about love.  Nothing complicated, nothing negative, I just felt like believing in it right now.  I was in a field with a calm breeze, there was a lone tree I walked toward.  Cliché as fuck, I know, but I needed a started point, shit.  Under the tree was a blanket laid out, a basket with a bottle of wine, opener and two glasses, and also a note tucked under the bottle.  I thought no, nope, too corny, gonna start over.  Then, the wind whipped the note from under the bottle.  I instinctively moved to intercept it, catching it, I saw the handwriting was distressed.  It read that she was about to be buried alive, and wrote a fake love note to me because her captors planned to cover the site with her romantic gestures.  I pulled the blanket up,  the ground was disturbed and discolored, and there was a black spade left,  implying the dig.  I grabbed it and started digging.  The ground was still aerated, it hadn't settled.  It was easy to dig, I used my hands first then scooped with the tool, so I didn't accidently hurt her.  I kept going, quickly, my back and arms hurt, I felt that as I sat on my knees so still.  My head had fallen back and my breathing was shallow, but in my mind I am desperate and struggling.  Suddenly, the ground became hard.  I uncovered more area, but it stopped at that level, and sweeping the loose dirt off the harder undersurface revealed scratches in it.  I was confused, then felt her.  She didn't touch me, but I felt her looking at me, down at me.  I became aware she was in the tree, but I didn't look.  When the desperation subsided and I regained slower thought, I matched myself, my mind matched my body on my knees, my breath is shallow.  I was dreaming.  I grabbed the bottle opener out of the basket and used it to skewer a line of holes through the harder ground.  The scratches, I realized, were from those before who scratched at the ground and gave up.  I opened the wine, took a large sip and poured the rest into the holes, wetting the ground.  Then, I shoved the spade between the loosened, damp line, prying out a slab of rock.  Then, I heard her.  She asked "If I am the Queen of your heart, who are you?"  I showed her the tool and said that I'm the King of spades. She was next to my ear, her hand touching my lips, she playfully whispered "Shhhhut! Take me for another bottle of wine...."  I reached out to embrace her and lost my balance, waking as I caught myself in time from the floor.

the cinders of the Deceased

I dreamed about a couple events that happened in my life.  I was in a canyon, near a campsite overlooking Angel Peak and Castle Rock in NM. I wasn't alone the multiple times I been there, but in my dream I was alone.  I replayed what had really happened, hiking.  I found something shimmering on the ground, I unearthed it and it looked like a brass dog tag.  It had a number across it, and words underneath that said crematorium tag.  Then, I noticed the white ashes covering my hands.  I dropped it all, pulled out my canteen to wash it off, saying in my head, "I'm sorry soul, I'm here for the same reason you are, to enjoy this pretty place.  Rest easy."  I continued into the canyon, on the way down I stepped on a rattlesnake.  That actually happened there, it did not strike, (so thankful it didn't, fuck'n hallelujah!)  However, in the dream my partner wasn't there to push me clear of it.  Instead, someone said "Look!"  I looked and there was no one, but she said I had stepped on a rattlesnake and that it didn't want to bite me because she stepped on it after me.  She said thanks for admiring the peak with her, and that I have bad spirits following me.  They are jealousy, anger, spite and heartache.  But, she also said she thinks I am still good and will overcome it.  She asked me a favor.  She asked if I remember the other time I was here, hiking into Castle Rock, where I found a miniature cave with graffiti carved into the rock, and inside the cave I found a coffee can that was painted gray in thick acrylic paint.  I had left it alone at the time, this really happened, and in my dream I told her yes, I remember.  She said she got to know him, and he wants to see the land about him, not from the tiny cave inside a coffee can.  I said alright, I'll head over that way and dump the ashes where she tells me to.  She told me thanks so much, and said as a gift from us both we'll make sure you never get struck by a rattlesnake.  That's all I remember.

the swine Suare

I dreamed I was with my family.  It wasn't happy, however, but saddening they were all drunk.  We were at a catered event, somewhere in a canyon at night.  The festive lighting illuminated the red rock walls.  There was a lot of food, it smelled fried and barbequed, it made me sick.  Everyone started to leave, saying I should meet them all at the casino.  I became interested, because there is a girl I admire who works there.  I was driving towards a town, it was bright there with city lights, then another source of light rose from within it.  It was a giant, it looked like it spewed glowing, molten matter from its mouth and hands.  Strangely, it wasn't scary.  I got a call from my grandma, she said she needed help cleaning her yard.  I changed my mind about the casino and drove to her house.  It was still night, but the moon lit the ground in purple glow.  She has a woodpile there, and the firewood was strewn across the yard.  I started replacing them, and I kept finding random toys half buried in the dirt, so I also made a toy pile.  Grandma said there's more wood in her truck, so I started offloading it as well.  While picking through the bed full of scrap lumber and stuff, I pulled out a heaping wad of undercooked, greasy, leathery strips of bacon.  I pulled a piece out and it was as tall as me.  Like, a fucking 6 foot long strip of bacon, wtf!?  I tossed it aside, thinking that must have come off a huge fucking pig, gross... poor thing.  My grandma came outside and said my mom called, asking if I could pick some things up on my way back.  She gave me a list and it was a very long list of booze for the family.  I became annoyed about it, I walked to her old red shed and unlocked it.  Then, in my dream, I became self aware and thought, "I just destroyed this shed with a crowbar a few months ago."  I became curious and went inside.  (This was the first time I became aware I was dreaming, and made choices on what to do, it was incredible.)  Inside the shed, it was my bedroom.  I went to my bed and found a spider web underneath.  In it lay a black widow, but I didn't kill it.  I just laid on my bed, trusting it wouldn't kill me.  That's all I remember

the Artist

I dreamed I was on a trip, in a bus.  There were lots of people I knew from grade school.  A girl sat next to me, I was staring out the window when she took my arm and held it up, admiring  my tattoos.  She was definitely hitting on me, getting very close.  I wasn't interested though, and steered the conversation away from anything flirty and we talked about art and tattoos.  The bus driver announced that we had too many people, and asked for any volunteers to stay behind.  I didn't know where we were, but I volunteered.  The girl held onto my arm and she became deeply saddened I had chose to leave, I said goodbye nice talk and left.  I checked into a hotel, it was a house actually.  I was thinking I'm gonna have to get rid of some of my things to walk home in the morning.  I walked about the house, asking if any of the other occupants wanted my art supplies.  I found a little girl who said she wanted to draw, so I gave her all my things, thinking I'll buy more when I get home.  I found that all the rooms in the house did not have doors, and there was a gym.  I decided to workout because I couldn't sleep.  In the gym, instead of a whole wall covered in mirrors, there was a one way window.  A group of guys were staring out the window, where the little girl was drawing a huge mural of snakes laying around and on top of an old abandoned truck.  It looked impressive, I watched for awhile and thought I'll just fly home instead of walk.  That's all I remember.