praying Womantis

I dreamed I was in my room, in bed.  I heard rustling so I got up to turn on the lights, and everything was blurry.  I didn't have my glasses, but there was a tangle of furry brown and shiny black tumbling around on the floor.  I was looking for my glasses, careful to avoid the wrestling tangle, and I dropped my glasses between the wall and the bed.  I pulled the bed out and looked for them, but the floor was full of broken pieces of glasses.  Then I heard a woman screaming, like WTF is going on in my room!?!?!?!?  I grabbed some mismatched pieces of glasses and assembled a new pair, and when I looked the tangled mess had stopped wrestling, it was a big fukn tarantula and a black widow, like small dog sized.  They were just staring at my door with their many shiny black eyes.  Then the woman screamed again, from my doorway, and when I looked there was not a woman there, but a praying mantis as tall as me standing there, eerily still except its eyes scanning around the room.  I wanted to hug the tarantula, then the fukn mantis screamed again and I woke up like FUCK MAN!! UuuUUGgghHH that sucked!!!

steel Spaghetti

I dreamed I was in a mobile home.  I was there with an ex-girlfriends' family.  I felt out of place yet I was welcomed. It was night out, the family was getting ready for bed.  I was to sleep on the couch, so I stretched out to relax.  They had a fluffy cat, who jumped on me and walked up and down my belly. I pet it, speaking to it like "Hi! What's your name? You sure like brushing your tail on my face..  You smell too."  Then the cat walked onto my neck and face, how rude.  I was about to get up and displace it when it accidently stepped in my mouth, I choked and coughing spooked it away.  So, I again stretched out to sleep, but there was hair in my mouth.  It started with wiping my tongue against my lips and making "pfft pfft" sounds, then taking wads out with my fingers.  It intensified, I was choking on hair, which turned whisker like.  Then to wire, then to thin strips of metal.  It became stuck, like I was slurping a wad of spaghetti, but it was twisty, tangled, bent strips of metal.  It tasted like iron and bitter, pervasive, dehydrating oil.  My ex's mom was outside and she seen me struggling through the window.  She looked horrified, then her son was beside her.  He shut her eyes and dragged her away.  He angrily came inside, accusing me of being a demon or something.  I tried to explain that the cat stepped inside my mouth, but I couldn't speak with so much metal hanging out my gullet.  He put his arms around me and lifted me up easily, I was surprised he did.  He pressed me against a wall, then grabbed the metal and tried to pull it out with his other hand holding my forehead.  It hurt a lot, I became bewildered with anger.  I wanted to catch his chin with my palm, just to end the pain, but I was paralyzed, the only thing I could do was bite down harder on the metal.  That's all I remember.

how to crawl through pearl gates on your last breath

I was with my friend Jeremy in Japan.  We just got off work, walked home during a rainy evening.  We didn't say much, like spent zombies unable to mumble above the onslaught of gentle raindrops exploding all around, it was beauty speaking to two dead men.  When we got home, Jeremy spoke, saying that was boring, the fucking rain.  I said it was cool, we should have stopped at the 7&i (convenience store) and grabbed some bottles, no work tomorrow.  "No shit, you should have said something after we got off the train, fool...  Fuck it lets go back, we're already soaked anyway."  Again, silent zombies listening to the life erupting around us.  At the time, we both struggled, individually, but had an idea what the other was going through.  We were young and heartbroken, inexperienced and reckless.  We bought 4 bottles of Soju (liquor), countless Chu-Hi's (booze), cigarettes and some noms we couldn't read but whatever.  We walked again back home, drinking tins of Chu-Hi and taking shots out of the first bottle of Soju.  We became drunk and walked past our street.  We just kept walking and drinking, finally talking and laughing.  Our clothes were heavy, laden with water unable to dry.  The rain stopped, we tried to smoke a bit damp cigarette that burned our lungs, whatever.  There was nobody out, just dim lights in our town and the violent ocean thrusting against the shore of her.  We both had a her, a home that was lit dimly, we were both heavy in thought, laden with memories of sunshine and sober efforts.  We became angry, two oceans crashing into each other, we fought and screamed.  Lovingly and confused, ignorant and bewildered with good intention.  Then, suddenly adrenalized as we had to help each other jump a few gates from annoyed residents.  Finally we stopped, we whispered to each other, "You're right man, sorry", while thinking "I should really take my own advice, I'm a hypocrite"...  The Sun came back, only illuminating the clouded skies, the streets were still dark between tall, dense structure.  We walked home, lost and inebriated, mistaken and embarrassed.  Still ignorant, stumbling and cursing the damp ground who waited to embrace our lifeless bodies.  Yet still, we made it home together, no lesson learned, not humbled, but instead we felt invulnerable and indulgent.  She didn't matter anymore, the cold rain of her dried away, and the chilling wind of his her no longer gripped him. 

ignorance and Lies

I dreamed I was in a Halloween costume.  It was shaggy and dark, with an ivory goat head.  I was in a mall with two of my cousins, Tyler and Micah.  Micah got thirsty and went to the food court, then we saw security take him to the back.  Tyler said he tried to steal water and was caught, so we left like whatever, Micah is always doing something stupid.  Tyler asked if she could hold my hand because a bunch of guys are cat-calling her, I said okay just hang on my arm, and we walked down the length of the mall.  Suddenly, I see my dad and my brother.  They noticed Tyler, and my Dad was shocked when I took off my goat head, I was furious.  He was about to say hi and hug me (for show), but I cut him off and asked why he hasn't returned my sister or mine phone calls.  He was speechless and looked everywhere but at me, then angrily I said "I know you, despite the show you put on and the mistaken reputation you have, I know who you truly are, and who you truly are doesn't care what your own son thinks, you piece of shit."  He began to walk away, and I followed, taunting that he is walking away in ignorance again.  He suddenly turned and asked what I want... I said I want two things, for you to own up to the shit person you are and then to help my sister pay for her medical bills.  Again, he walked away.  Then, someone grabbed me, saying "We gotta go it's showtime."  It seemed I was supposed to participate in a haunted house.  So I went along, scaring folks by "bah-h-h-h"ing like a goat and rushing out a corner screaming.  One girl was overwhelmed and fainted, so I dragged her to a seat screaming "Help!", then she came to.  I made her stay seated a bit while I got her a glass of water, there was a barred window with receptionists in front of the kitchen.  I ran up and asked for a cup to give the fainted girl water.  She gave me a clipboard and said I have to sign for it.  I was like "It's just a cup I only need it for a minute."  She replied that it was for the water, not the cup.  I was confused, but I signed.  Before she handed me the glass of water she said she needs to take out a tax, and poured half of the glass out.  I was like WTF!? Whatever, I ran the glass over to the girl.  She still looked uneasy, so I took the glass and ran out the haunted house into the mall to get a full glass.  EZ PZ, no tax, but when I returned she was gone.  Instead, there was an old friend there.  His name is Sorrel, he was dressed very sharp and in the middle of dinner, an ivory bowl of ravioli.  I became curious, asking him what kind of ravioli it is, he said he's not sure, his girlfriend made it.  I asked if it was butternut squash, and I began opening my backpack.  He asked why hell do I want to know, and I pulled out my dinner, which was butternut squash ravioli in the same ivory bowl.  He looked at me like WTF!?  Tasting his, he said yeah it's butternut squash, and I told him the girl I'm seeing made this for me.  We began a serious question game, asking who are her friends and hobbies and such, both of us afraid to say her name in case it was true.  I was beginning to doubt if my relationship was fukn worthless, like I'm a side-guy and she's just "slumming it" because Sorrel looked like he could better take care of a girlfriend financially.  I felt that familiar sick, anxious feeling and told myself no, you are hardened by now against this kind of bullshit.  I told Sorrel I have to go back to the haunted house, putting on my goat head, I gave him my dinner and told him it's his burden if he wants to confront her, because I had suddenly become careless.  That's all I remember.

clever Girl

I dreamed I was in beach sand.  There were high walls, they were thick and looked concrete, there was no ceiling and the Sun was bright.  I was with a lot of other men, we had weapons.  Spears and funny looking swords.  The high walls cut a corridor through the sand, and ended in a rectangular room, with the same walls and no ceiling.  We ran into the room, and I saw we were attacking a giant lion, it was huge, an entire man could have been a good mouthful to it.  We relentlessly threw ourselves at it, we were making progress to its slaughter.  Although a giant, the lion seemed slow.  Someone yelled that the pit is open, and we made the lion to back up into a square hole large enough to swallow the lion at the end of the room.  Sand cascaded into the hole, making the angry lion slip in easily.  After it disappeared inside, we all heard and felt a loud boom, marking the lion had hit the bottom of the pit.  We gathered in celebration, peering into the hole, but what we saw quickly dissuaded our joy.  The giant lion was surrounded by other big cats, not giants, but normal sized lions, tigers and cougars.  They climbed onto the giant lion, and all sat on its head.  Then jaguars and leopards climbed into its mane, looking to leap across a tree.  Then, the giant lion jumped toward the opening of the pit, and at the climax of his slow ascent, all the cats on his head and mane were in leaping distance of the pit opening, and they did in unison.  All the cats clambered out and attacked the men.  Then again, we heard and felt a loud boom, marking the giants return to the pit depths.  I didn't feel scared, above the open pit was the lid lifted into the air, alongside the tall wall.  I used my spear to "pole-vault" up and was able to catch an edge with my hands, then clamber on top.  When I looked down at the fight, the men were being slaughtered, the sand turned to red mud.  I thought I was safe up here, but a tiger leaped up after me, enough to swipe at my legs and I fell toward the edge.  My face looked over it but my body was still away from the edge, I tried to stand up again, but the tiger again leaped quickly and she was able to catch my neck between a set of incisors, and drag me off my perch.  I woke up convulsing from a cramp in my neck, and I felt scared.

my new friend, the unangeled Angel.

I call him my friend, as modern dichotomy describes.  However, he is old.  Much older than I.  I met him in a place I would loathe, but had the open mind to say fuck it and go anyway.  The menu promoted death, and the kitchen reeked of death.  I am also not fond of sports, but I went.  There, I thought I was a sight.  The girls said I'm hot, the guys became intimidated.  I became  used to this, but one person unexpectedly, this outing, I was put in my place.  He was much older than I.  I always have the same angered demeanor in public like this, I like it when I enter a place and I am a presence.  I am respected without a word, and intimidating where darkness becomes lighted.  And still, today, this man made my eyes grow soft and teary, I was not afraid, but intimidated, yes.  I'm not used to anyone approaching me, a stranger would not do this.  He looked into me, said you have a kind face.  Then that I am strong, but only physically.  He said I am intimidating, but only to those who haven't been messed with.  He tried me, he asked everything guys ask other men, my answers were daft and short.  He said you can do better, and that turned my ear.  I've never been insulted by a stranger such.  He said my eyes are kind and tortured.  I became angry, he was showing me aggressive eyes, saying he boxed 17 years in his life, and now taught the sport.  He said we are men, and need to present a presence where we go, to be strong physically and emotionally.  I agreed, although I was pissed that by now he was trying to show me how to box, almost hitting my face, in an open bar.  I withheld my anger, and he said he recognized my agitation, just from how I looked at him, and then my understanding that he fell harmless.  I fought tears next, when he said I was the alpha when I walked into the building, and that his place was next to give me his lesson, saying he was so old.  When I looked at him again, with kind eyes, understanding, he teared up also.  For a moment.  A fukn stranger I shared this with, and what he showed me about boxing and being intimidating I will understand forever.  I don't linger on this, but I told my angel, that angry old boxer, that I understand and his knowledge is not wasted on my ears.  His name is Bert, this is a true story.

after Suddenly

I dreamed I was on a mission.  Like a secret agent or something.  I had a friend but I questioned his loyalty.  He was small and conniving.  We were on our way to a restaurant, he said his family is hidden in the building somewhere.  Behind the dining area, beyond the kitchen, the building transformed into twisting hallways with many open doors.  It looked third world, it was dirty and walls were constructed with crude bits of garbage.  He gives me two bullets, saying it's all we have to infiltrate with, no gun for them.  We found his family, they greeted him happily but wouldn't let me in.  He went to his old room, changed into his childhood clothes and looked at me in shame.  The building had guards following us and they wanted to kill me.  I was angry, I was his decoy, I ran at him and asked why?!  No response, he hung his head.  I put one bullet in my mouth and told him to put the other in his, he obeyed like a guilty dog.  I told him to stay hidden as I went after the leader of whoever sent men to kill us.  I was back in the kitchen, someone grabbed me and said I'm late, to get my uniform on and serve the guests.  I served the leader in disguise, he had a gun on the table.  It was a high class dinner meeting.  The leader was speaking that their army had no more ammunition.  I spoke up, mumbling that I have a bullet to spare, spitting it out and offering it to him.  He was appalled that it was in my mouth, refusing to touch it.  I told him I will load it for him so he doesn't handle my germs, he agreed, so I loaded the weapon and shot his heart hiding behind so many medals.  His army had no fight, they looked at each other confused and saddened.  I ran back to my friend and his family to tell him the news.  They were all gone, except my friend, he was laughing and boasting that he killed his family, I became so angry, then he said he was also a leader of an army, against the one whose leader I had just assassinated.  I asked for the bullet, he spit it in my hand, saying he had come back to kill his family because they worked for his enemy.  I loaded the weapon and shot his heart hiding behind the children's clothing he wore.  Then I was instantly at home, with my son.  Nothing worked, no electricity, but there was a deep whisper in my head speaking directly into me.  He said you stopped the world and everyone is gone now, except you two.  It was late and I was putting my son to sleep, we prayed until he fell asleep, and I kept praying alone.  I said I was scared, and the voice asked what I wanted.  My first thought was a wife.  My next thought was safety, then rebirth, then survival, and then he stopped me.  He said that I need to provide the safety for those two, and that he would provide everything else.  I felt like crying and then my alarm clock went off.  The rest of today has just been weird, have you ever had a dream that just straight funked you out? Yikes.

wine to Water

I first remember I was packing for a hiking trip.  I was asked to be a sort of "guide" for a girl.  I was inventorying our things, it became clear what her intentions were after trying to figure out what to carry.  I was testing her bag, seeing how much water she could carry, she insisted on carrying alcohol as well.  I tested her bag to see if she could carry a tent, she insisted I carry one tent for the both of us.  I wasn't interested, she agreed to carry her own with a mischievous grin.  I thought, "Oh fuck... what am I getting into, I'm not even showing any interest in her.  I don't wanna go now, shit."  I realized there was two other people there, two Chiefs I remember from the Navy.  They said they got some things from the armory for me, handed me a huge seabag full of junk.  I told them I can't carry all this, we're going on foot.  They were persistent, I was annoyed.  I told the Chiefs, I'm not in the Navy anymore and I will not carry all this.  I opened the bag and it was full of ordnance and other bags (???).  I grabbed a backpack and an over-the-shoulder pack, telling them I'll just use these.  They offered me one of the many rifles from the bag, saying at least take this in case.  I said no, I don't need those anymore, in case of what!?  I told the girl I know where we're going and what to expect, and I come prepared anyway.  I told her that I'm not going to drink or sleep with her, and if she still wants to go to carry her own tent.  I felt in control, where earlier I felt gullible and being taken advantage of, it felt good.  That's all I remember.

the volcanos' Clone

I dreamed I took a trip out of the country, I don't know where or for what reason.  I was in a hotel room, it was very tiny.  There was no restroom, and I decided to go and find it so I know where it is.  The hallways were tiny, they seemed to get smaller and smaller till I had to walk sideways through them.  I was dragging something against the walls, I look down and I was wearing a bulky gun belt with an M9 and spare magazines.  I thought "what the hell do I need this for?", went back to my room and left it there.  I found the restroom finally, it was next to a huge winding staircase.  I went up and it opened up into a courtroom, there was a judge sitting at the stand, he was eating breakfast.  I thought wow it's early, I should be getting ready.  I was about to walk back to my room when I saw a friend, he said the sun is gonna rise over this expired volcano, and that I should take some pictures.  We walked back to the courtroom, where there was a huge window.  My friend is Canadian, and has a thick French accent.  He jokingly screams "Are you ready for the glory?! Let's GO!!!".  The sun rose behind what looked like a clone of Shiprock rock, it was confusing.  I took some pictures and thought "no one's gonna believe I was out of the country when all the pictures I took look like home."  Then the judge asked us why we weren't armed, that today we were to fight.  That's all I remember.

the queen of Hearts (meditation)

I was thinking about a story.  I was making it up in my head.  My body felt tired, I was on my knees with my eyes closed.  The exercise I'm trying is to find your equilibrium, to let your body to rest while allowing your mind to fight itself between tired dream-states and keeping your body from falling over.  Since it's been on my mind in excess lately, I thought about love.  Nothing complicated, nothing negative, I just felt like believing in it right now.  I was in a field with a calm breeze, there was a lone tree I walked toward.  Cliché as fuck, I know, but I needed a started point, shit.  Under the tree was a blanket laid out, a basket with a bottle of wine, opener and two glasses, and also a note tucked under the bottle.  I thought no, nope, too corny, gonna start over.  Then, the wind whipped the note from under the bottle.  I instinctively moved to intercept it, catching it, I saw the handwriting was distressed.  It read that she was about to be buried alive, and wrote a fake love note to me because her captors planned to cover the site with her romantic gestures.  I pulled the blanket up,  the ground was disturbed and discolored, and there was a black spade left,  implying the dig.  I grabbed it and started digging.  The ground was still aerated, it hadn't settled.  It was easy to dig, I used my hands first then scooped with the tool, so I didn't accidently hurt her.  I kept going, quickly, my back and arms hurt, I felt that as I sat on my knees so still.  My head had fallen back and my breathing was shallow, but in my mind I am desperate and struggling.  Suddenly, the ground became hard.  I uncovered more area, but it stopped at that level, and sweeping the loose dirt off the harder undersurface revealed scratches in it.  I was confused, then felt her.  She didn't touch me, but I felt her looking at me, down at me.  I became aware she was in the tree, but I didn't look.  When the desperation subsided and I regained slower thought, I matched myself, my mind matched my body on my knees, my breath is shallow.  I was dreaming.  I grabbed the bottle opener out of the basket and used it to skewer a line of holes through the harder ground.  The scratches, I realized, were from those before who scratched at the ground and gave up.  I opened the wine, took a large sip and poured the rest into the holes, wetting the ground.  Then, I shoved the spade between the loosened, damp line, prying out a slab of rock.  Then, I heard her.  She asked "If I am the Queen of your heart, who are you?"  I showed her the tool and said that I'm the King of spades. She was next to my ear, her hand touching my lips, she playfully whispered "Shhhhut! Take me for another bottle of wine...."  I reached out to embrace her and lost my balance, waking as I caught myself in time from the floor.

the cinders of the Deceased

I dreamed about a couple events that happened in my life.  I was in a canyon, near a campsite overlooking Angel Peak and Castle Rock in NM. I wasn't alone the multiple times I been there, but in my dream I was alone.  I replayed what had really happened, hiking.  I found something shimmering on the ground, I unearthed it and it looked like a brass dog tag.  It had a number across it, and words underneath that said crematorium tag.  Then, I noticed the white ashes covering my hands.  I dropped it all, pulled out my canteen to wash it off, saying in my head, "I'm sorry soul, I'm here for the same reason you are, to enjoy this pretty place.  Rest easy."  I continued into the canyon, on the way down I stepped on a rattlesnake.  That actually happened there, it did not strike, (so thankful it didn't, fuck'n hallelujah!)  However, in the dream my partner wasn't there to push me clear of it.  Instead, someone said "Look!"  I looked and there was no one, but she said I had stepped on a rattlesnake and that it didn't want to bite me because she stepped on it after me.  She said thanks for admiring the peak with her, and that I have bad spirits following me.  They are jealousy, anger, spite and heartache.  But, she also said she thinks I am still good and will overcome it.  She asked me a favor.  She asked if I remember the other time I was here, hiking into Castle Rock, where I found a miniature cave with graffiti carved into the rock, and inside the cave I found a coffee can that was painted gray in thick acrylic paint.  I had left it alone at the time, this really happened, and in my dream I told her yes, I remember.  She said she got to know him, and he wants to see the land about him, not from the tiny cave inside a coffee can.  I said alright, I'll head over that way and dump the ashes where she tells me to.  She told me thanks so much, and said as a gift from us both we'll make sure you never get struck by a rattlesnake.  That's all I remember.

the swine Suare

I dreamed I was with my family.  It wasn't happy, however, but saddening they were all drunk.  We were at a catered event, somewhere in a canyon at night.  The festive lighting illuminated the red rock walls.  There was a lot of food, it smelled fried and barbequed, it made me sick.  Everyone started to leave, saying I should meet them all at the casino.  I became interested, because there is a girl I admire who works there.  I was driving towards a town, it was bright there with city lights, then another source of light rose from within it.  It was a giant, it looked like it spewed glowing, molten matter from its mouth and hands.  Strangely, it wasn't scary.  I got a call from my grandma, she said she needed help cleaning her yard.  I changed my mind about the casino and drove to her house.  It was still night, but the moon lit the ground in purple glow.  She has a woodpile there, and the firewood was strewn across the yard.  I started replacing them, and I kept finding random toys half buried in the dirt, so I also made a toy pile.  Grandma said there's more wood in her truck, so I started offloading it as well.  While picking through the bed full of scrap lumber and stuff, I pulled out a heaping wad of undercooked, greasy, leathery strips of bacon.  I pulled a piece out and it was as tall as me.  Like, a fucking 6 foot long strip of bacon, wtf!?  I tossed it aside, thinking that must have come off a huge fucking pig, gross... poor thing.  My grandma came outside and said my mom called, asking if I could pick some things up on my way back.  She gave me a list and it was a very long list of booze for the family.  I became annoyed about it, I walked to her old red shed and unlocked it.  Then, in my dream, I became self aware and thought, "I just destroyed this shed with a crowbar a few months ago."  I became curious and went inside.  (This was the first time I became aware I was dreaming, and made choices on what to do, it was incredible.)  Inside the shed, it was my bedroom.  I went to my bed and found a spider web underneath.  In it lay a black widow, but I didn't kill it.  I just laid on my bed, trusting it wouldn't kill me.  That's all I remember

the Artist

I dreamed I was on a trip, in a bus.  There were lots of people I knew from grade school.  A girl sat next to me, I was staring out the window when she took my arm and held it up, admiring  my tattoos.  She was definitely hitting on me, getting very close.  I wasn't interested though, and steered the conversation away from anything flirty and we talked about art and tattoos.  The bus driver announced that we had too many people, and asked for any volunteers to stay behind.  I didn't know where we were, but I volunteered.  The girl held onto my arm and she became deeply saddened I had chose to leave, I said goodbye nice talk and left.  I checked into a hotel, it was a house actually.  I was thinking I'm gonna have to get rid of some of my things to walk home in the morning.  I walked about the house, asking if any of the other occupants wanted my art supplies.  I found a little girl who said she wanted to draw, so I gave her all my things, thinking I'll buy more when I get home.  I found that all the rooms in the house did not have doors, and there was a gym.  I decided to workout because I couldn't sleep.  In the gym, instead of a whole wall covered in mirrors, there was a one way window.  A group of guys were staring out the window, where the little girl was drawing a huge mural of snakes laying around and on top of an old abandoned truck.  It looked impressive, I watched for awhile and thought I'll just fly home instead of walk.  That's all I remember.

the spider Room

I dreamed I went to school, high school.  That building I loathed... not for architecture but for peer rejection.  That shit sucked for me, but I had me friends, like 90% in band class.  We stalked the entire high school, just being allowed access after hours accrued us this, besides the sheer amount of stupid going on.  It was Friday, some friends and I hid in the school overnight.  It was eerie, but we raided vending machines and found comfort in our echoed screams inside the basketball court.  I was always so modest, they started drinking, I said no.  I walked home, the path was long but I knew it well in waking, it passed instantly.  I went to pee, then when I came back to my room there was a girl there.  She wore a uniform, it looked heavy and wool, grey and with regalia matching the SS.  She looked straight out of a holocaust movie, but without Nazi symbols.  She looked Asian, stern and without make-up.  I said "Hi!", she inspected my room meticulously, saying before she left that I should run away.  I said perhaps, but she smiled and raised her brow at me as she left, suddenly she was attractive.  Next, a girl I knew walked in, inspected my space.  She was a coworker, jokes were endless between us, but she was afraid to look at me.  She said I gotta leave ASAP.  She wore the same uniform as the girl earlier, who liked me.  I was confused, but I agreed.  I blacked out, and when morning came, I was still in my dream, I'd guess 20 seconds since my last remembrance.  The Sun stroked every corner of the walls here, yet my room was empty.  Only my bed, then I saw glint, sparkles, recognition of silver spiders webs, natural geometry gracing the legs and walls near my bed, a bit disgusting.  I sat up in my bed, seeing my socks and shoes plastered to the ground in thick silver webbing.  I pulled it up, for some reason thinking to bite a thick strand, and immediately spitting out a wad of spiders webs from my mouth.  I pulled the strands out my mouth meticulously, yet when I looked about, the room was institutionally empty.  That's all I remember.

the matchMaker

I dreamed about my son.  It is his birthday tomorrow, I guess I was stressed with planning our time together.  I was making his favorite supper, I had his gifts and a small cake for him.  This year it's Godzilla themed.  Just us two, complications, but I'm here.  I dreamed he was an adult though, and I was still planning like he was so little.  He was smart in my dream, and saw through me.  He asked what was wrong, I said I'm sorry, you're just growing too fast.  He said no, not that, you're sad.  His words rending my heart loose, my superiority turned to admiration for him, to confinement.  I admitted to him, I am lonely and my heart is broken.  He said he knows, he's watched it happen.  He watched me suffer and long, he said he saw me hurting but he didn't understand before, but now he does.  He said he loves me, and he sees what I've done for him, but I'm too concerned about how others I loved hurt so much.  I said you're right, son, I felt wet hotness press from my eyes and drip off my cheeks.  You're so pure, so innocent, I want your soul to acknowledge my partner before mine, not to be forced to accept it.  I know you won't stop loving me, I know you won't leave me, I know how beautiful and important you are, my son.  I told him when you fail, when the roses thorn rends your heart, I won't let you alone, I'll embrace you and listen to you.  Inside, I told myself fuck my dad, he won't experience this love.  I had waken long before, now I was praying, not asking but listening.

insignificance

I dreamed I was on a ship.  I was alone, the passageways were empty, the offices and spaces and berthings, all empty.  The lights were on inside, humming with electricity it was so silent.  I checked outside, it was night.  Only dim red lights lit the walls out there, the stars and moon were brilliant over calm waters.  I went back inside, I felt extremely lonely.  I just wanted to see anyone or anything, it was really creepy.  I saw one of those old diving suits, the helmet and torso was a brass bulb with scuttle windows.  The legs and boots were iron.  I named him Bob, and asked where everyone went.  No answer, of course, so I put on Bob.  He was heavy, I wanted to walk around and amuse myself.  It was difficult at first, then much easier.  So much so, I thought maybe I can climb down into the engine room below through an escape hatch, which was a laddered 3'x3' drop about 3 levels.  I opened the hatch on the floor , clambered in and fell.  I didn't land on the floor, I broke through it, then another and another until I was sinking underneath the ship.  I was sore all over, the moon lit the ocean floor up, it looked like a desert with small corals polka dotted across it.  The ships belly was dark, casting a shadow over me.  I just stood there, I was scared.  I saw no life in the ocean, I just wanted to stand there a bit, thinking when I need to surface I gotta abandon Bob on the seafloor.  Suddenly, I saw a huge something coming, huge and dark in the distance.  It looked like a jumbo jet at first, flying straight at me, then I recognized as it came closer it was a whale.  I was a little intimidated, but I wanted to touch it if it swam close enough by me.  Maybe she was lonely too, and I felt like showing her she's not alone.  I took weightless steps to intercept it, holding a hand out to stroke her.  When she got right next to me, I completely freaked out, it wasn't a whale, but a massive shark.  Her white mouth hung open with teeth seeming to splinter out in every direction, her black soulless eye looked everywhere and nowhere at the same time.  She was, like I said, the size of a jumbo jet, yet silent as she passed over me.  I cowered, I fell to the seafloor, yet she passed gently by.  I laid staring up at the ship, I felt the weight of so much water pressing against me, I even felt the ships weight seemingly on top of tons of water.  I felt so small, so vulnerable yet calm at the same time.  That's all I remember.

i don't fukn Know

(WARNING: Blood and regurgitation)
I dreamed I was visiting family.  It was evening, we were all in a kitchen while food was being prepared, all drinking.  I felt drunk, I felt happy to be with everyone there again.  Suddenly, it felt like I had hair stuck in my mouth.  I tried to spit it out but it seemed to get worse.  I felt it in between my teeth and binding my tongue, reaching back toward my throat, making me want to gag.  I went to the kitchen sink and started pulling it out, it went from annoying to WTF!?!  As I pulled clumps of hair out, I discovered what felt like plastic strips binding my tongue and creeping between my teeth.  It hurt, I pulled out strips of what looked like twist ties, pulling from between my teeth made my gums bleed some.  It seemed I was getting it all out, but the last two strands were leading down my throat.  I gave it a tug and almost threw up, so I pulled it slowly yet I had to use some muscle to get it moving.  It was attached to a rope, which when I got dislodged, was a knotted and doubled over length of rope, no idea how long, hanging out my mouth.  I could only breathe through my nose, I was desperately trying to unknot it and find an end to work with.  I was able to tug on one strand, and it felt like the end of the rope was slipping out my throat.  When I pulled it out, the end was knotted around a jump rope handle.  I pulled from that end only, sorting out the rope and knots along the way.  Then, I found a strand to the other end of the rope, and pulled.  This gets weird, I pulled and I felt movement on the other end, it hurt my throat down to my belly.  In a panic, I just ripped the end out, and I'd guess a "medium sized" fucking live alligator spilled out my mouth.  I was appalled, the rope was stained in blood, the end I pulled leading into the alligators mouth.  It kept away, hissing in the corner of the room.  I pulled on both ends of the rope, more and more length came out and I was desperately hoping it would all be over and out.  It didn't, it stopped and it felt like the middle of the entire rope was tied around wherever the tongue begins in my throat.  I pulled slowly, I tugged sharply, I moved my neck in awkward ways, my gums still bled all the while.  Finally, I turned to my mom and muttered "I need help, I need to get to a hospital".  She started looking through a phonebook for where to go, I cut the ropes near my mouth with a steak knife.  She pointed in the phonebook, saying if this was where I wanted to go.  I took the book and took out my cell to dial the number.  I didn't do it, I felt the rope sliding up my throat, the tight knot sliding off felt familiar (and inappropriate to detail)... but sore and wet, yet satisfying.  I led the rope out, and as soon as the knot popped off my tongue...  It was terrible.  So much blood and food spilled out, I didn't vomit, it just spilled out.  I held my head over the sink as my family held me, even praising me for it.  My mom said "Okay, we understand now", and I remember someone saying something about the alligator and what I ate.  I felt my guts empty and when I looked it was all indistinguishable flesh, splinters of bone and so much blood.  It was so fucking disgusting, I felt myself wanting to vomit for real and I woke up.  That's all I remember.

my body is not a grave, Meditation

I thought about who I want to become.  My heart is pulsing, I can hear my blood rushing through my ears, and it feels amazing.  I'm not small, I'm huge.  I'm strong, I'm intimidating.  I know when I walk into a room, people notice, because I have presence.  People cower at me if they're laden with guilt, I know this.  No one fucks with me.  No one can hurt me, malice and treachery strike out at me like bullets, but roll gently off my back like water.  I don't not care, instead I save my energy for love, my best activation.  My arms aren't huge to strike, but to embrace.  If I had an enemy I would hold them close, I would whisper "You know I love you anyway", and my embrace would crush them.  But then, I have no enemies.  I am silent, but when I speak I know everyone listens, because I have gentle, loving things to say.  If I had enemies, my shout alone would cease their hearts.  I'm a giant, yet gentle because my heart is so fucking big.  It throbs and pulses passionately.  I won't harm anyone or anything that hates me, because they'll expire while throwing themselves at me.  No more blood, no more flesh or bones, pain or misery.  I will not eat animals, their corpses being laid to rest in my belly.  People respect me, people are intimidated of me, and I achieved this without hate or anger, without suffering or fear.  I am the great lover, because that love makes me so strong.  No one will dare declare me their enemy, their hate will be realized as loathing for themselves.  No one will ever fuck with me, they'll exhaust themselves ineffectively against my back.  No one will say the things they say about me, to me, because they're afraid of being wrong, they're afraid of hurting me.  No one will hurt me, because I love them. 

zenith and nadir, Meditation

I finally stopped, I was so motivated and healthy, I closed my eyes and thought about what made me feel this way.  My quads and biceps throbbed, the energy she gave me was evident.  I thought of her, she playfully called me Mr. Mister, then walked away, even in thought she beckoned my follow.  I don't even know what she looks like, but I understand her essence and importance before we are connected.  I fell asleep leaning against my bed, my head to the heavens.  She teases, asking if I can feel her now.  I felt warmth, light, energy, I felt a spire of spirit penetrating my mind, emerging and tapering out of my forehead.  It tingled as it widened and heightened, stabbing at the zenith point that occupies my soul.  I felt doubt suddenly, I doubted I will find her, I doubted I would be strong enough when the time comes.  I felt nadir, it was gravity like my veins ran with molten lead.  I felt my hands fall from my lap to the floor and I almost woke up, I just breathed with my eyes closed until she came back and the doubt went away.  She was above me, the spire of light that went through me went through her forehead as she looked up to me.  She was standing on the ceiling, where gravity and doubt did not exist.  She reached a hand up, out to me, saying "Mr. Mister, you're my zenith.  I came from all the doubt along this path of light, and found you are its climax.  I can almost touch you now.  No more doubt, no more gravity, no more nadir, we're almost there.  I love you already, I'm finding you."  I reached up to her and touched her hand, then pulled, lifting her down to me with a smile.  She was heavy as we held each other, our arms fatiguing as unseen forces tried to pull us apart.  She whispered that we're almost here.  I woke when the FUCKIN' NEIGHBOR SLAMMED HIS DOOR, UUUUGGGH!!!!

my ghost of Anima and Animus

I dreamed I was back in the Navy. I was on the messdeck, fixin' to eat a plethora of fruit from the salad bar, it was breakfast.  A chief, I remember him, came up to me and said that I can't just eat fruit, that I needed to eat the crap they serve in the galley.  I assured him I'm fine, he said that the chain of command is concerned about my health.  He went away, then a familiar face appeared sitting next to me.  I remember her, such a "tomboy", risky and reckless.  Her name was Kim to me, she was a ghost, and talking to her made me realize I looked fuckin' crazy.  She was mischievous, but even as a ghost, my superior.  Kim said I need to go to the forecastle and retrieve a length of mooring line, (nautical terms, sorry, but just a place in a ship and a rope thicker than your arms).  She said I should go this way, leading me into the area in the ship restricted to officers... nay, admirals.  It was glorious.  There was a window so large and captivating, with a brilliantly gilded gold sunset over dark purple waters, it looked as if we were sailing into heaven.  I was enthralled, yet her ghost beckoned to the forecastle, I have a task at hand.  I went, and I was caught.  An admiral, twice as tall as I, belittling without a word and stern when I made eye contact, asking "what the fuck are you doing!?"  Kim whispered in my ear, and I saluted him and replied "Sir! I'm here to fix the... (duhhhhh)"  He cut me off and said "Right, on your way."  I went to the forecastle and grabbed a mooring line, it was still soaked in salt water and heavy.  Suddenly, her ghost left after biting my elbow, that's how tall she was to me. WTF!? Next, I had a different ghost.  He, not in a gay way, was someone I thought was a beautiful man, and I had deep admiration for him, I called him Tony.  He said we gotta go, we're on liberty and I gotta sneak out before the admiral catches me again.  I squeezed all the water out the line, which when rolled up was like a tire, and left the ship with it rolled around my shoulder.  Outside, I found we were ported on shore already, gold light filled the air and Tony was waiting for me in a purple convertible.  He said put the mooring line in the trunk, and we were off.  The salty, cool, humid air was so good in that car.  We went to a grocery store, there was a girl there that I like.  We paid her for our bottles of wine, then back to the car.  There, Tony said "Yo! I seen you looking at that cashier, man."  I replied, "Uuuuhh... really?" Then, the cashier jumped in the back along with other girls, and as we drove off she passed me a note.  I was so nervous trying to write my phone number on it, that which the note asked for.  I wrote a familiar number, then another, and another, and more, scribbling them out as I realized they weren't mine, but people I was involved with in the past. Then, Tony took my hand as I nearly scribbled a hole through the paper, yelling "Dude! Just let go!" That's all I remember.